In a recent episode of my radio show, Uplift Your Life: Nourishment of the Spirit, Jonathan told us the key to having a happy marriage is in becoming a great communicator, not just a good one. He pointed out that we all want to be appreciated, loved and understood. The best way to get someone to hear you is to first make sure they feel heard and understood. Then they are open to listening to your perspective. He showed us that the word intimacy translates to “into me see.” In other words, be vulnerable, allow your partner to see into you. With 30% of couples being from different political parties, the techniques that Jonathan teaches are more needed now than ever. These techniques are also effective for social justice and communication, leadership and team building within businesses. They are so powerful that Jonathan visits jails and within 10 minutes he is able to change the minds of people who identify as Nazis and have killed because of it. He said it works every time. Jonathan learned some of his strategies by talking with people like the Dali Lama and Oprah. He generously shared with us some techniques that he uses every day with his wife to keep the love alive and prevent conflict. To listen to this show, I encourage you to click here.
Dr. Paula’s Tip of the Week
My Tip from my e-book, 33 Tips for Self-Empowerment is: Bring in Positive Energy: The color pink is emotionally healing and will lift your spirits. When you feel fear, you can shift your energy. Ask God/Goddess/The Universe to fill you with pink light. See pink light coming from the heavens, through the top of your head and moving through your whole body. Enjoy the feeling of peace. You can use pink in other ways as well. Pink flowers on the table, especially roses, create a positive mood. Use pink touches around your home, including the bedroom. Depending on your tastes, this can be subtle or more pronounced. Other possibilities are to burn pink candles or wear pink clothing or jewelry. Rose quartz attracts love and can be placed around the house, in your bedroom, worn as a piece of jewelry or put in your pocket or purse. If you don’t have access to a store carrying rose quartz in your area, it’s easy to purchase on the internet.
Dr. Paula’s Silver Lining Story
Relationships are far more complicated since the last presidential election. After some of the experiences I’ve had recently, I’m beginning to believe that online dating sites need to add the question: who did you vote for in the last presidential election and would you vote for them again given what you know today? I think it would save people a lot of time and unpleasant experiences. If this is the case with dating, what must it be like in a marriage that existed before 2016?
I know one woman who doesn’t ever voice her opinion to her husband or his family on topics like gun control or President Trump’s actions. She made that choice in order to avoid arguments or a divorce. But is the price too high? Have we forgotten how to disagree in a civil way? Can we even have a healthy, supportive relationship with someone who doesn’t share our values or would you want to be married to someone who doesn’t share your values? It’s true we can’t agree on everything, but on some matters the divide is too great to look the other way. Just like friendships and family relationships are being affected by our current administration, so are marriages and dating.
Recently I had two challenging experiences with men I met online. Both men were spiritual with shared interests and everything sounded great until the topic of guns came up. Suddenly men who had been talking about how we are all one and sharing deep spiritual experiences and beliefs became people who were totally out of sync with those beliefs. One man has three bird feeders and lives on the water so he can commune with nature. That same man told me how automatic weapons should be legal and they aren’t the reason so many people have been killed in recent mass shootings. I felt like he became a different person. My silver lining was in the way I handled the conversation. Since we were on the phone, I tried having a logical and respectful discussion. By the third attempt, it became clear to me that such a conversation with him was not possible. Since he was lecturing me and didn’t want to hear my opinion, I finally talked over him and said that I was going to hang up since we weren’t having a real conversation. I then wished him success in finding someone who shared his values. I was pleased that I didn’t allow myself to be drawn into a shouting match or to be intimidated. At one point, I remember asking myself if this was a deal breaker. After all, I do live in Texas and guns are a way of life for a lot of people. I needed to be conscious about where I draw the line. And yes, it was a deal breaker. So I don’t have to ask myself that question again. I can’t and won’t disregard my values for any reason, including, or maybe, especially for a relationship.
The second man also challenged me to examine my values and to understand more deeply the complexity of another human being. Again, all was going well until he started telling me how happy he is that our President is a bully because he can stand up to his North Korean counterpart. Again, my opinion was irrelevant. In fact, he was fully engaged in our conversation until I disagreed with him. He tried to change the topic. I said I had listened to his opinion and I would like him to listen to mine. At that point, he picked up his smart phone and started reading email while I spoke. As with the previous man, I was getting clear signals that his opinion was the only one that mattered. I’m not willing to be in a relationship with that level of disrespect. As I was saying good-bye, he started talking about his mother who had died of cancer. He couldn’t finish the sentence because he was overcome with tears. I wasn’t able to bring closure in that moment because he left abruptly. To my surprise, he wanted to go out again and contacted me several times even after I said that our values were too different for a relationship to work. My silver lining was witnessing the complexity of a person who is steeped in spiritual learning, has a tenderness that led to sobbing over the death of his mother and also thinks that guns and President Trump are good for the USA. Again my values and boundaries were tested. I know who I am and where I draw the line and I also have more compassion for people whose own values are contradictory and they don’t even realize it.
After a lifetime of abuse, the main silver lining for me was that I consistently chose to end relationships with men who are not willing to listen to me. I have been saying that we must speak up and voice our opinions. That’s true in our personal relationships as well as in the public arena of social justice, the environment, civil rights, and respectful treatment of all living beings.
For Previous Shows Like This:
- Help for Couples That Really Works with Pati Beaudoin on January 15, 2015
- Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize It and Heal with Marti Loving on January 28, 2016
- Creating Your Unique Relationship with Linda Bloom on July 14, 2016
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Dr. Paula, The Life Doctor, has helped hundreds of thousands of people improve their health, wealth and relationships through her writing, coaching, and speaking. Contact her today to get started on your personal journey. Recently Dr. Paula Joyce, PhD was chosen by Expertise as one of the 16 Best Life Coaches in Dallas.
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