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Don’t Be Embarrassed…You Haven’t Failed By Ariel & Shya KaneDon’t Be Embarrassed…You Haven’t Failed By Ariel & Shya Kane

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Don’t Be Embarrassed…You Haven’t Failed By Ariel & Shya KaneDon’t Be Embarrassed…You Haven’t Failed By Ariel & Shya Kane

“It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up.” – Vince Lombardi No matter how good you get at being a “Yes” to your life, sooner or later you’re bound to get upset and be caught in a thought loop – you know, one of those repetitive series of thoughts that go round and round in your head like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. A thought loop is when a series of repetitive thoughts overtake you and you entertain a conversation with yourself about things like: How unfair it is. How they did you wrong. How you have made a mistake. How you wish you could do it over. Sometimes you may doggedly chew on an event that has already happened, reworking it to your liking. You rerun an argument in your thoughts, and you come up with a better comeback so you can win the fight or you tell yourself the things you should have said to make your point. At other times, you’ll search for a new outcome to something that you can’t change. For example, let’s say you got in a fight with someone – perhaps a loved one like your partner, spouse or parent – and harsh words were exchanged. Then later, often at night as sleep eludes you, you may alternate between justifying your actions and berating yourself for your behavior. Sound familiar? If so, don’t be embarrassed and don’t worry: You’re normal. When thought loops happen, most people who are living a transformational lifestyle will experience a crisis of self-doubt. After sailing along for weeks, months or perhaps even years, it is especially disturbing to find yourself unexpectedly upset once again. It’s so easy to contract and think that you’re “no good” at being present and saying “Yes” to your life. When this happens, you instantaneously lose your ability to be a non-judgmental observer of your thoughts. Here is a sequence of events that might occur: First, you are likely to remind yourself that “what you resist persists and grows stronger.” Sometimes this mental reminder is enough to pop the upset like a soap bubble. Often though, it may only give relief for a moment and then the repetitive thoughts begin again as you forget your moment of clarity and jump right back into the torrent of thoughts that being upset produces. You may even recognize that you are being “right” but at the moment you don’t care because you are right after all. Sooner or later you are also likely to come to the conclusion that you’re really bad at this “transformation thing,” that you haven’t gotten anywhere, and that you are better off going away until you get it back together or worse yet, before you are seen as stupid or as a hypocrite by your family and friends. Does any of this sound like you? Does any of it sound familiar? When you find yourself in this state here are a few tips and tricks that we have found useful if you really want to bring yourself back to center rather than wallow in the upset: You aren’t alone – really. When you have been snared by a disturbing thought loop, friends can help. Contrary to how it may seem when you’re lost in an upset, they even want to help. Don’t be afraid – reach out. A burden shared is far lighter and at times with sharing, the upset can be swept away like gossamer. Your senses can bring you back…well…to your senses. Use your senses – touch, taste, smell – as ways to bring you back to center once again. A good meal, sex, a hot shower where you really feel the water sluice over you can do the trick. Sitting quietly, going for a walk, cleaning out that junk drawer, scrubbing the grout on the bathroom tile – all of these will work to bring you back to yourself. Playing with a child, or a pet, watching birds, listening to the surf, taking a run, completing things around the house and 1000 more things can bring you back. Don’t underestimate the power of a good meal. When you’re upset, it’s common for people to reach for “comfort food”. However, for many this means cookies, potato chips, ice cream and chocolate. While these foods aren’t wrong or bad per se, it can be surprisingly beneficial and grounding to actually fix yourself or go out and get a good meal without the sugar load. Think of it as fuel to reboot your well-being. Don’t underestimate the power of getting some sleep. When you are overtired your body becomes stressed and it becomes fertile ground for upsets to sprout, take hold and bloom. It is amazing what sleep can do. It recharges your mental, emotional and physical batteries so that you are naturally relaxed and refreshed. This one simple thing can make a world of difference and will support you in being “yourself” again. Give it time. When you’re disturbed it is like being pumped full of an upset drug or akin to having the flu virus. Sometimes you simply need to ride it out and be aware that “this too shall pass.” Remember you haven’t failed. No need to be embarrassed. No need to hide. You haven’t failed any more than the child who is learning to walk has when he or she falls on his or her behind. Simply get up and keep going again. With practice you can rest assured that it will take a stronger current, a bigger wave to knock you off your feet the next time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, radio show hosts and business consultants Ariel and Shya Kane have acted as guides, leading people through the swamp of the mind into the clarity and brilliance of the moment. Find out more about the Kanes, their seminars in NYC, in the UK, Germany and Costa Rica, the Say YES to Your Life! Meetups their work has inspired, their Being Here radio show or join their email newsletter. Also get information about their award-winning books.  Their newest book, Practical Enlightenment, is now available on Amazon.com.

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This election is almost over. And we Americans are so exhausted. We have been involved in the most egregious and disgust-creating campaign in modern history. We have been bombarded by long-winded speeches and mind-numbing debates and over-the-top news commentators telling us what it all “means.” And the truth is that most of us already decided 3-4 months ago or even earlier, for whom we were voting! So all these “words” were a waste of time. And yet we could not pull ourselves away from the media, it was as if we were drawn to a medieval duel between two aggressors who would be happy to literally destroy the other. And it was a duel with no end in sight. And we were hypnotized, you and I.
The campaign issues were all-but-eclipsed by all the surrounding pieces of this ill-tasting pie: the bus video showing Donald at his worst and the time he took to deny that he was a creepy old man who had lusted after pretty women. The e-mails that we had to hear about, accusing Hillary of financial as well as moral impropriety, her many speaking engagements which brought in millions to her and her so-called Foundation, and her “pay to play” scams bringing even more attention and disillusionment to us all.
The worst part of all this is the demonization between Hilllary and Donald. If you would believe them, only “they” were the perfect candidate, their opponent was a mere undeserving pretender to the title of President. Oftentimes, I thought I was listening to two third-graders argue in the playground, except that in that case either an adult would give each of them a time-out, or one would physically lash out at the other and the right punch would end the problem. But at least it would be over quicker than this past year. And all the time we were thinking: couldn’t the Republican and Democratic Parties come up with someone better to run for the highest office in the land? Is it our fault? Did we create this debacle? Perhaps, but it’s almost over.
And that’s the point, it’s almost over. Next week we will have a new President of the United States. Whoever looses is going to be angry and hurt as well as disappointed. It will almost like losing a loved one.
It will be an enormous loss to them and their hard working supporters, who have given so much to the cause. What will those who have lost so much do to put this behind them, to move forward to the next stage of their lives? To go, as I have said in my grief and healing books, “from mourning to morning?” How will they—and we—heal so we don’t carry our anger and despair with us for years hence?

Here comes my radical suggestion…
In the Jewish Tradition, when someone dies, we observe a seven-day period of mourning, called “shiva,” which means seven in Hebrew. It is a way of giving the mourners space to think about their loss, to meditate on life past and future, and to begin to plan what they will do next. We the family gather together at the mourner’s home, we comfort the mourners, we eat together and we pray together. We do what families are supposed to do, support and comfort those who need it the most. And, as I learned last week from a wonderful guest on my radio show, THE FIRST THREE DAYS OF SHIVA ARE SPENT IN SILENCE. We allow the mourners to process their grief however they choose, without us barging in and telling them how to react. After those first three days of silence, they can be drawn out by family members, and re-enter their community. But we give them the permission to sit and grieve alone if that’s what they need, and that’s such a meaningful life-giving act.
And that’s my suggestion. After the election, we go silent. That is, we spend time only with our families and close friends without talking about what has just happened in our country. We stop turning on our televisions at night to listen to what “the experts” think just happened, we silence all that noise so we can thing about what this means to us and our country.
Sounds crazy? Well it makes good sense. There has been so much noise, it’s time for that time-out that our souls desperately need. After a big life-loss like this, we are entitled to be quiet, at peace with ourselves, and just think about what it all means.

Mood Matters, St Patrick’s Day, March Garden Guide, Pricing Wars by Cynthia Brian

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Mood Matters, St Patrick’s Day, March Garden Guide, Pricing Wars by Cynthia Brian

St. Patrick's Day

with Cynthia Brian and Heather Brittany on StarStyle®-Be the Star You Are!® Radio brought to the airwaves under the auspices of Be the Star You Are!® 501 c3 charity, LIVE, since 1998.

This hour is fun, informative, and lively. Join us!

Mood Matters, St Patrick’s Day, March Garden Guide, Pricing Wars,

Do happy people live longer? Does our health benefit from being in a good mood? Does being mindful reduce body fat? Shocking new research is unveiled to help your avoid risks with our health specialist, Heather Brittany.
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Every year on March 17, the Irish and the Irish-at-heart across the globe observe St. Patrick’s Day. What began as a religious feast day for the patron saint of Ireland has become an international festival celebrating Irish culture with parades, dancing, special foods, and plenty of green beer.

Spring is almost here and we have an itching to get into the garden. Learn what to do in your March garden with Goddess Gardener, Cynthia Brian.
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It’s tempting to want to lower your fees to attract business. But are you setting yourself up for failure by offering discounts. Win your clients over with great service and care and learn how to resist the lure of low pricing.

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The award winning positive talk radio program, StarStyle®-Be the Star You Are!® broadcasts on the Voice America Empowerment Channel LIVE every Wednesday from 4-5pm Pt/7-8pm ET.  Cynthia Brian and Heather Brittany are the Mother/Daughter dynamic duo who have been co-hosting this program live weekly since 1998 bringing upbeat, life enhancing conversation to the world. With Cynthia’s expertise in interviewing the trailblazers, authors, and experts and Heather’s healthy living segments, these Goddess Gals are your personal growth coaches helping you to jumpstart your life while igniting your flame of greatness. Brought to the airwaves under the auspices of the literacy and positive media charity, Be the Star You Are!®, each program will pump your energy to help you live, love, laugh, learn, and lead.
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R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Found Out What It Means To Me By Deborah Jane Wells (Part 2 of 2)

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Found Out What It Means To Me By Deborah Jane Wells (Part 2 of 2)

DeborahHeadshotPicking up where we left off at the end of part 1 of this article, in the scenario of my husband’s problem with his boss, my real goal wasn’t to help my husband. My goal was to relieve my own fear-based pain at experiencing his pain. My goal was to stop his pain as quickly as possible so that I could stop my own. What I was doing didn’t “come from a good place”; it came from fear. From wanting to fix it for him to release myself from fear faster instead of respecting him enough to fix it himself when the time was optimal for his highest good. The tip-off was that I got annoyed when he didn’t take my suggestion—annoyance being one of fear’s many ugly cousins. It is nothing short of arrogant of me to think I could possibly run my husband’s life better than he could.

I’m asked all the time if this means it’s always wrong to make suggestions or try to teach anyone anything. No, that is not what it means. Here’s how to tell the difference between making a respectful suggestion and disrespectful interference. When I am coming from respect, I have no energetic charge over whether you act on what I share. When I’m being respectful, I’m fully and creatively engaged in the process with no attachment to the outcome. Disrespect is evidenced when I get hooked by what you decide to do or not do: either relief or happiness when you do it my way or anxiety, frustration, or anger when you don’t. Either reaction demonstrates that I am a little too invested in how you live your life. When I feel neutral about whether you do or don’t adopt my suggestions or act on the information I shared, I’m coming from respect.

This lesson was driven home for me dramatically when I heard the following story a couple years ago. In late fall, a man stood enthralled watching a caterpillar spin a cocoon on a branch outside the kitchen window. All winter long, the man watched over the cocoon, amazed at how it withstood the onslaught of freezing rain, blizzards, and harsh winds. When spring finally arrived, the man was relieved to see the cocoon still hanging in there. As spring ripened into summer, the day finally came when the butterfly began to make its departure from the cocoon. The man watched the butterfly work to break free. The process went slowly and looked difficult. The man became impatient with how long it was taking and anxious that the butterfly was suffering. He could hardly bear to watch. Finally, beside himself with frustration and worry, the man decided to help. He took a small pair of nail scissors and carefully cut the cocoon open wider to allow the butterfly to escape more quickly and easily. Alas, the butterfly did escape but died just a few minutes later. What appeared to the man as a needless struggle was actually crucial developmental time the butterfly needed to be able to thrive outside the cocoon. Robbed of that added growth opportunity, the butterfly never developed the strength it needed to survive and flourish.

When I first heard this story, I sat at my kitchen counter and sobbed; I finally got it. All those times when, energized by my own fear, I had interfered with another’s life, I had been decidedly unloving. When I disrespected the other’s personal path by trying to shortcut her opportunity to learn in her own way and time, I had demonstrated anxiety, self-doubt, avoidance, and arrogance.

While the lesson of the chrysalis didn’t result in me ending all fear-based interference overnight, it has made me much more aware of what’s energizing my actions. In those situations where fear and a lack of respect are my fuel, I am faster at detaching and releasing myself and the other person to walk our authentic individual paths with love and light.

These examples don’t just demonstrate the subtlety of respecting others’ boundaries; they point the way to respecting my own. Without a doubt, the greatest violator of my own personal boundaries is me. I am the perpetrator of unconscionably disrespectful words and acts against myself. Much of it happens in the confines of my own head.

When I use my thoughts to undermine my self-confidence and punish myself repeatedly for past “mistakes,” I am abusing myself. When I incessantly rehash painful scenarios from my past, I cause myself far greater injury through that repetitive instant replay than the original abuser ever caused me. When I communicate to myself in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that I don’t matter, am not good enough, and am powerless, I am being cruel. When I tell myself I’m crazy to keep thinking, saying, and doing the things I do, I disrespect my journey and myself. Most of us never say anything half as loathsome to others, even in our most enraged moments, as we say to ourselves daily in casual conversation. Respecting myself means zero tolerance for self-judging and self-abuse.

The only person controlling your life is you. Turn unexplored possibilities into fulfilling realities by harnessing the transformative power of love to step into your greatness. Choose your energy and change your life!


© Copyright 2013 DJW Life Coach LLC. All rights reserved.

About the Author

What’s love got to do with minimizing stress and getting unstuck? Everything, according to empowerment coach and inspirational speaker Deborah Jane Wells, author of Choose Your Energy: Change Your Life! During her 30 years as an organization transformation consultant, Deborah served as a senior partner in four of the world’s largest, most prestigious global professional services firms. In 2005, she took a five-year sabbatical to find healing and peace because non-stop work had taken its toll. Her recovery from burnout, including a sustained 80-pound weight loss and freedom from 10 years of debilitating depression, led to finding her purpose guiding others on their journeys. Through healing and self-exploration, she discovered that loving yourself unconditionally is the key to transforming your personal life, your work, and the world. Deborah’s books, blog, radio show, and signature coaching programs help individuals and organizations harness that same transformative power of love to turn unexplored possibilities into fulfilling realities and step into their greatness. Learn more at the Deborah Jane Wells Website.

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