From Stuck to Unstoppable: Applying Brain Science to Move out of Fight-Flight-Freeze into Calm-Creative-Confident by Marie Zimenoff
Award-winning actor, coach, and writer Benson Simmonds joined me on âTurn the Pageâ to discuss his recently published book, âSOULAR POWER Â â Unlocking the Eight Gates to Joy and Abundance,â which reflects his 20 years of study in the dramatic arts, Kabbalah, Eastern Philosophy, and Mysticism. Listen to this episodeÂ to access greater meaning, joy, and success in your life.
Benson expanded upon our conversation after the show, by sharing how you can apply the key tactics he offered to the process of making âgoodâ decisions. If youâre generally decisive and find yourself in new waters with an unprecedented anxiety or conflict thatâs causing you to feel âstuck,â this approach will help you to move forward with greater peace of mind. If you frequently Â have a hard time making decisions, Bensonâs âten stepsâ will teach you how to choose more quickly, and with greater confidence.
Hereâs what he taught me—in his own words:
Weâve all been there – gripped by fear when needing to make an important decision. Weâre afraid of making the âwrongâ choice, or one that will result in a negative outcome for ourselves or someone else. Whether youâre making business decision, considering whether to leave or stay in a relationship, making choices regarding your health, school, or even what color shoes to buy, the underlying constant is that feeling for fear. When in fear, you are in worrier (ego) mode, as opposed to warrior (soul) mode, that place from which you can tap into the power of your soul. You soul is your untapped brain potential, that part of you that is connected to a divine source of unlimited joy, love and expansion.
What about the old, âmake a list of pros and cons, so you can detach emotionallyâ approach? That strategy removes your emotions instead of inspiring you to use your emotional intelligence, which you actually need to make the best decision.
So what is the key to making a good decision? Shifting out of fear and into love, which is of course an emotional state. Shifting from ego to soul, from worrier to warrior. Here are the 10 simple and profound steps you can take to make your best decision.
When you are in ego/fear mode the overwhelming message you receive is âlack and limitation.â This message conveys that there is never enough, and that you are not enough. To shift, take a deep breath and say, âI AM ENOUGH. THIS MOMENT IS ENOUGH.â As you do this, youâll immediately begin to slow down the ego/worrier self and connect with your soul. The overriding message of the soul is âYOU ARE ENOUGHâ and âthere is always enough,â so you WONâT be limited or losing out regardless of which decision you make.
Realize that you can choose to tap into something larger than yourself, your soul. By making this choice and stating out loud, âI CHOOSE TO MAKE THIS A SOULAR POWERED DECISION,â youâll expand past the information thatâs available through your ego/fear. Instead, youâll tap into a power that has a wealth of data beyond the âfactsâ as you see them. Youâll surpass âblack and white thinking,â which limits your choices, to âFULL SPECTRUM THINKING,â which opens you up to new possibilities. Your decision will be informed by the deeper wisdom youâre able to access through this expanded view.
Ask yourself: âWhat are five to ten things I LOVE about myself?â Â Be sure to state your answers out loud and use âI LOVEâ¦â in every sentence. For example, âI LOVE my sense of humor. I LOVE my intelligence. I LOVE that Iâm a survivor. I LOVE that I try to be kind,â etc. By focusing on what you LOVE, youâll shift out of fear and into love (become a LOVE GENERATOR instead of a LOVE SEEKER), which will help you to make the best decision.
Convey GRATITUDE STATEMENTS that express thanks for your shift to âwarrior:â âThank you (God, universe, the divine, higher powers, etc.) for the ease with which Iâve released my need to make the right decision.â By repeating this a few times, youâll liberate the pressure your ego/worrier side has placed upon you and begin to feel a newfound ease about the decision. Hereâs another version of a gratitude statement: âThank you God (divine, etc.) for the ease which with Iâve made the right decision.â
Envision yourself within the PYRAMID OF PROTECTION: Imagine that youâre sitting or standing inside a four-walled, three-dimensional pyramid. There is a wall slanting up to a point above your head on all four sides of you. The floor is the fifth wall. Divine light from above infuses the walls of the pyramid with unconditional love and joy. Feel yourself and the inside of the pyramid becoming enveloped in divine light. From inside the pyramid say, âI am now connected to and protected by the divine.â
While in the pyramid of protection, say, âEVERY DECISION I MAKE IS NOW FOR THE SAKE OF THE DIVINE.â By repeating this statement within the pyramid, youâll take even more of the pressure off. You can also say, âEVERYTHING I DO IS NOW FOR THE SAKE OF THE DIVINE.â By doing this, youâll remind yourself, that itâs not about you; itâs about what you can contribute.
When you make a soular powered decision, youâll CHOOSE THE OPTION THAT FEELS THE MOST EXPANSIVE. Simply stated, fear contracts and love expands. When you are afraid, your body pulls inward and in that moment, itâs all about you. When you are feeling love, you naturally expand your arms and want to share, celebrate and contribute. Now, take a moment to reflect on your decision. Which choice feels more expansive to you? The more expansive decision is the best one.
ASKING EXPANSIVE QUESTIONS will help you tap into your soular power and make the best decision. Rather than asking negative questions, like âwhat will happen if I make the wrong decision?,â or âwhy am I a loser?,â ask EMPOWERING questions, like: âHOW CAN I EXPERIENCE MORE JOY WHILE MAKING THIS DECISION?,â and âWHY AM I A WINNER REGARDLESS OF THE DECISION I MAKE?â Your brain is a super computer and it will provide you with an answer to any question you ask. Most of us are unaware of the questions we are asking ourselves subconsciously. By asking yourself specific expansive questions, youâll receive answers that will inspire you to make the best choice.
BLESS FIVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. Think of the person and say âblessings to your for health, happiness, abundance, etc.â Even if the decision is about leaving a boss or relationship, send that boss or current spouse/lover blessings. This will very quickly shift you out of fear and into love, opening up your divine channel of joy, love and expansion even more.
When making your decision, eliminate the need to âbe good.â Trying to âbe goodâ can lure you into a decision that is based on self-sacrifice or martyrdom, which your ego convinces you is ânoble.â This leaves you stuck in worrier mode. Instead, SEE GOOD, the good in yourself and that of others. A true soular powered decision is a WIN-WIN for all parties involved.
In applying these 10 steps, youâll make the âbestâ decision and ENJOY the process of choosing. Youâll feel more joyous and loving, which will contribute to even better decisions as you move through your day.
Benson shares blessings for you to âembrace your soular power and open your heart to feel and attract more joy, love and abundance in every moment.â
His book, âSOULAR POWER â Unlocking the Eight Gates of Joy and Abundanceâ is available on Amazon. You can reach him at email@example.com if youâd like to find out more about his spiritual and business coaching services.
Whether or not you see yourself as a âspiritualâ person, youâll gain a practical approach to improving results in every aspect of your life by listening to our conversation.
We invite you to âpay it forwardâ and expand your fortune by sharing the link to the episode and blog post with your on and off-line communities.
Physical Therapist and Craniosacral Therapy (CST) practitioner Tracy Lin joined me on âTurn the PageâÂ to talk about how CST goes beyond treating the physical symptoms of pain, disability and dysfunction, to address causes that are rooted in the psyche and emotions. If youâre still exploring ways you can regain your health and mobility post-injuries, illness, surgeries, or other issues, CST might be one of your âmissing links.â
Craniosacral Therapy complements most healthcare modalities, both mainstream and alternative, such as acupuncture, psychology, chiropractic care, and dentistry. It can be integrated as one of a host of other interventions used to address complex medical problems and needs.
After the show, Tracy shared the following three scenarios to further illustrate the benefits of CST. Perhaps you can find yourself, or someone you know in the presenting issues.
48-YEAR OLD FEMALE WITH DIAGNOSIS OF LEFT HIP LABRAL TEAR
The patient slipped on the floor while her foot was caught in the ground. She experienced pain when getting in and out of a cab, and when she was on her feet for more than two to three hours or with quick changes in direction. She also had pain while lying on her back, when bringing her left knee toward the opposite shoulder (with her foot positioned outward, which is an internal rotation of the hip).
TREATMENT WITH PT AND CST
Tracy says, âIn a typical PT session, I would have focused on strengthening and stretching both of her legs, emphasizing her left hip, along with some manual therapy. However, after guiding her through basic stretches and functional strengthening exercises that she could do at home, I primarily treated her with Craniosacral Therapy with intermittent therapeutic dialoguing. She opened up about a lot of stressful situations, both work-related and personal. Her left hip pain diminished over the course of weekly or bi-monthly sessions over a span of twelve to fourteen weeks. The pain subsided altogether when we discussed her relationship with her mother, which we discovered was a primary source of stress in her body. Although she was a stoic woman, she released some emotions (e.g. teary eyes) while speaking about her mother. Her craniosacral rhythm stopped during this outward expression of emotion, indicating that a source of health-related issues was surfacing from her unconscious to her conscious mind.
Although she was pain-free for the last few weeks I saw her, she requested to continue CST âjust in case the pain was to came back.â Recently, I spoke with her and she stated that she has had only a âslight twinge,â but is pain-free as far as sheâs concerned.â
70-YEAR OLD FEMALE WITH NECK PAIN/STIFFNESS
âThe patient did not tolerate stretching or soft tissue massage of her neck by another physical therapist using âconventional PT treatment,â since it was âtoo painful,â and caused her to be even more âtense.â Given that the patient was consistently teary-eyed and reported that stress was causing stiffness in her neck, she was referred to me by my colleague, who thought she required a âgentler and sensitiveâ approach.â
TREATMENT WITH CST
âThe patient enjoyed a combination of light touch and therapeutic dialoguing. She felt more ârelaxed,â with less pain after the sessions, and her range of motion, along with the soft tissue tightness in her neck, improved. I was consistently drawn to the tissues around her upper left thorax region, just below her collar bone. Over time she revealed that her husband was sick and now in a wheelchair. While her husband had a home health aide five days a week, for four to six hours, the patient was very attentive to his needs. Steering his wheel chair created a lot of strain on the weak muscles in her arms and neck. The patient talked about feeling insignificant in her marriage. Her husband frequently yelled at her and had numerous affairs early in their marriage. Given his lack of respect, she felt guilty and sad in anticipating the relief and freedom she might feel when he died. She realized that she had neglected herself, sacrificing her own needs to accommodate those of her children and husband. Ultimately, she failed to recognize her own self-worth.
In one session, she pictured her chest as a black, heavy object that was âpushing her down,â preventing her from moving. Through therapeutic dialoguing and imagery that elicited feelings of contentment, she felt lighter and freer in her chest, and began to feel the spark of a yearning to âlive her life.â She envisioned attending church on a regular basis and joining the choir, which had not been possible given her care-giving responsibilities and guilt. As she spoke about her âhappy place,â my hands were drawn to her heart, and the patient expressed that the âheavinessâ was releasing. She eventually established a positive and confident view of herself, committing to doing something that made her happy at least once a day without guilt, while her husband was in the care of the home health aide. As her self-assurance strengthened, the patientâs neck muscles became softer, with less to no report of stiffness.â
65-YEAR OLD FEMALE WITH A DIAGNOSIS OF MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS
The patient was referred to PT due to increasing leg spasms that disturbed her balance and gait. She had chronic, intermittent back pain, constant bilateral knee pain from arthritis, and headaches. She walked with a cane, with a slow gait and small uneven steps due to the pain in her knees, and expressed a strong fear of falling.
TREATMENT WITH PT AND CST
I initially treated her with âconventionalâ PT, focusing on balance and gait activities, gentle stretching of her legs, functional strengthening with energy conservation techniques, and instruction on home exercises. In one session, the patient shared that she didnât do most of the home exercises so that she could conserve her energy for doctorâs appointments. She reported an increase in leg spasms that âthrew her balance offâ and an even greater fear of falling. As she described that her left leg, from her hip down to her knee, was in spasm, I noticed that she was walking much more slowly and carefully than usual. Inviting her to lay down on the mat and relax, I tuned into her craniosacral rhythm, noticing that it was âsluggish,â especially on her left side, below her rib cage.
After performing gentle hands-on techniques at her left hip and thigh, pelvic region, the full length of her spine (the dura mater, which is the membrane that surrounds the brain and spinal cord), her craniosacral rhythm improved in its rate and was more symmetrical with the left and right side. The patient noted that my hands felt very warm, and her tissues and some parts of her body were more ârelaxed.â After the session, she stated that her left leg spasms had decreased considerably. When she stood up to walk, she reported being much âsteadier.â As she departed, I observed that she was walking a little faster with more confidence, and a smile.
Depending on her fatigue level, the degree of pain in her knees, and left leg spasms, I continued to treat this patient with CST (versus conventional PT) for about 80% of our sessions for another seven to eight weeks, twice a week. After each CST session, the patient left with diminished pain and spasms, improved vitality in her craniosacral rhythm, and consequently, more energy. As a result of decreased pain and leg spasms, her balance and gait felt more âgrounded.â During her last session she reported having âmore good days than bad daysâ as a result of more developed mind/body awareness.â
Tracy shared that while patients with particularly complex health issues such as MS and chronic pain would benefit from further treatment, many are unable to continue their sessions for financial reasons. She notes however, that patients generally emerge from the course of treatment with tools and insights that result in much improved self-care.
HOW YOU CAN FIND A CRANIOSACRAL THERAPIST
Tracy suggests the Upledger Institute website (www.upledger.com) as a referral source for CST practitioners, in addition to âword-of-mouthâ recommendations from trusted healthcare providers.
In assessing whether or not a particular Craniosacral Therapist is a good fit for you, she advises: âFind out if a practitioner is certified, or how many courses he/she has taken, in addition to the number of years the therapist has been in practice. Ask if the practitioner is comfortable with treating your condition, and if he/she has treated similar issues. Many highly skilled Craniosacral Therapists are not certified but have substantial experience and training in CST. Without seeking perfection, trust whether or not you feel comfortable with the CST practitioner during the initial visit or treatment. A good CST therapist will assess whether or not he/she is best suited to treat you and may refer you colleagues who might better assist you.â
Learn more about the benefits of CST by listening to my conversation with Tracy
Tracy invites you to contact her at www.iahp.com/Tracy-Lin to discuss your questions about CST, and explore your interest in experiencing this âlight touchâ therapeutic technique firsthand.
How can you present a true, clear message about who you are, both at home and at work? Personal Style Coach Allison Hamilton-Rohe reveals her formula during a guest appearance on my Internet radio show, âTurn the Pageâ
Our dialogue about launching you on your style journey continued after the show, when Allison offered an example of powerful personal style: âLook at the amazing Duchess of Windsor, whose husband literally gave up his kingdom and chose exile over life without her. While she was not a âclassicâ beauty, her charisma and appeal were undeniable — especially for her King!â This is one of the ways that personal style is distinct from fashion. The common personal style thread across your lifetime is YOU, what flatters and matters to you most, what you aspire to be and do.
Once you experience how the language of style can move you past image anxiety and into a more fulfilling reality, youâll appreciate the benefits of discovering it earlier in life. Hopefully, this will motivate you to pass the learning onto younger generations, including your children and grandchildren.
Allison references Carol Dweckâs book, âMindset: The New Psychology of Success,â in identifying ways you can support your child in achieving a positive self-image. Dr. Dweckâs research indicates that 40% of your happiness is a product of how you see yourself, and the corresponding choices you make.
As a parent or guardian, how can you help your youngster to look and feel good? These are strategies that Allisonâs own kids have embraced:
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.
The number one thing you want to encourage, instill and empower your children to feel towards themselves, their bodies AND their style is love. You can do this any number of ways!
GIVE CONFIDENCE-BOOSTING COMPLIMENTS.
Dr. Dweck suggests offering process rather than person praise. This involves acknowledging repeatable behaviors that can reinforce a praiseworthy character trait, skill, action, or outcome. For example, rather than saying âyou look pretty,â be specific about what you appreciate: “I love how those barrettes bring out the sky blue color of your eyes.” Â A statement like this encourages your child to feel proud about doing something well. In contrast, âperson praiseâ can create self-doubt when something goes awry, like the physical changes and emotional reactions that might occur at the onset of puberty!
INSIST ON LOVE.
When you’re shopping with your children or going through their wardrobes, only buy/keep things they love. Â If they need a new coat, find a coat they love. Â If you have a sense of their style and size, shop online with them. Â You might select a few items and then ask them to look at the order before making the purchase. Ask them one question only: “Do you love what I’ve picked out for you?” If they say no, delete it. No exceptions. This sets a precedent that style is something that feels good and they can enjoy.
It’s okay to insist that your children brush their hair and teeth, clean their bodies, and wear clothes that aren’t ripped. This is basic grooming. It’s important to teach your children these habits early on so they’re prepared when the time comes for them to âdress to impress.â It may take energy and patience, and consistent practice works.
Allison shares a personal illustration: âI posted a picture checklist by my kids’ door that I ask them to check everyday. They receive a star each time they complete their list. When they master a skill, I give them a bonus and we celebrate. Now, if I notice they forgot to brush their hair, all I have to say is, “Checklist?” and they go, “Oh! Â Whoops!” and run back upstairs.â This tactic can be adapted to the specifics of your household. If you have a special needs child, creating a visual map of the checklist and breaking down tasks can be helpful. Teaching basic self-care is deeply important to preparing a child to be an independent adult.
ALLOW FOR PLAY.
If you’re dressing up for a party and your child is dying to wear a dress that’s a bit over-the-top, or put on lipstick, don’t sweat it. Â If your kid puts on a shirt and pants that don’t match well and he’s three, let it go! If your son wears pink or your daughter wears combat boots, offer the freedom of experimentation. Allison reflects on rejoicing in her daughterâs self-expression: âI bought my daughter a button that read, “I dressed myself today. I loved posting her wacky outfits on Facebook.â Style can be fun and it allows kids to play with who they want to be. Allow your kids to enjoy it!
Your kid is going to be who she is. If you do your job well, sheâll value her unique qualities and use them to propel her purpose in the world. If your kids settle into a style that unsettles you, have a conversation about the power of style and what it means for first impressions. Â Allow your children to be in control of the message, and check in to ensure it’s the message they truly want to send. If not, work with them to change it. If your son loves his style and it STILL unsettles you, enlist a family therapist to address the underlying issues both for you and your child.
Identifying with any of these strategies as ones youâd like to adopt for yourself? Go for it! Â Your example is the best guide for your children. If youâre kind to yourself, insist on love, maintain standards, allow yourself to play, and encourage your own self-expression through style, they will, too!
If you need expert guidance along the way, contact Allison through www.dailyoutfit.com. Mention this blog in booking a session on the “Work With Me” page of her site, and read on through her free newsletter and blog posts, including this one on âback-to-schoolâ shopping sprees:Â http://www.dailyoutfit.com/2014/08/top-10-tips-to-make-back-to-school.html
If you havenât yet listened to Allisonâs guest appearance on my show, we invite you to learn about the three key components of her personal style formula. Find out how personal style can work for you
Stuck in an abusive relationship for 8 years with a man who nearly killed her one night in a hotel room, Vanessa Simpkins turned her story of tragedy into triumph with her #1 Best Selling Book âTake Your Power Back Now! How to Overcome Your Resistance to Creating a Life You LOVE! The Ultimate Confidence Guide for Women!â which has been featured on FOX, NBC and CBS morning shows.
Tune in Wed 11am PST on the Empowerment Channel with host April J. Ford on You Are Not Alone – How To Rise Above Life’s Challenges.
Be the Star You Are! 501 c3 charity presents:
Express Yourself Teens
With the on-air Be the Star You Are!Â® youth reporters.
Itâs important to feel validated and appreciated. Affirmation is a fundamental need of all humans. Hosts Henna Hundal and Katelyn Darrow share their personal experiences with ways they offer affirmation to themselves and others. They also interview CEO of BYOU Magazine, author of Beautyâs Secret, A Girlâs Discovery of Inner Beauty, and former international model and actress, Debra Gano. After a series of life-changing incidents, including a near-fatal car accident, Debraâs perspective shifted from one of superficial external-focus to a deeper inner awareness that “it’s what’s inside that counts.” As a single mother of a twelve-year-old daughter, Debra discusses her passion for helping females find and live their most authentic, empowered selves.
Henna loves working with Be the Star You Are!Â® charity providing platforms for expression and promoting positive media. She says, â weâre equipping young people with the confidence they need so that they can get out there and take the world by storm.â She also is a Teen Ambassador for You are Valued where the message is âGrant yourself permission. Give yourself affirmation and define yourself.â Besides volunteering with Be the Star You Are!Â®, Katelyn launched a new campaign with her charity, Angels of God, called Angel Deeds which encourages people to spread kindness and help others through every day, simple deeds. âSmall actions make a big difference,â says Katelyn.
The following is excerpted from the chapter, The Gift of Affirmation from Cynthia Brianâs book, Be the Star You Are!Â® 99 Gifts for Living, Loving, Laughing, and Learning to Make a Difference.
âWe underestimate how our own personal agenda affects people we know and don’t know. Smiling is an incredibly effective affirmation. Even when you feel down, just making yourself smile will improve everyone’s mood, including your own.
âHelp people notice the good in themselves. When they feel special, they will be special.â Cynthia Brian
Debra Gano is the CEO, Publisher, & Founding Editor of BYOU âBe Your Own Youâ Magazine, a national self-esteem publication for girls ages 7-14; she is also the best-selling author of Beautyâs Secret, A Girlâs Discovery of Inner Beauty, the first book in her Heartlight Girls series, which has received multiple national awards, including Gold Winner of the Momâs Choice Award and USA Best Books Childrenâs Fiction of the Year. Debra is a former international model and actress who now dedicates her life to the empowerment of girls and women, speaking on national stages and as an expert in the media on self-esteem.
Websites: www.BYOUmagazine.com, www.DebraGano.com
Listen at VoiceAmerica Kids Radio
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Mark your calendars for the BTSYA BOOK BASH BLOW OUT on Sat. April 25th from 11-4pm at 5 A Rent a Space in Moraga.
Meet authors and get autographed copies.
Listen to all broadcasts at ITUNES
Express Yourself! Teen Radio is produced by Cynthia Brian of Starstyle Productions, llc as an outreach program of Be the Star You Are! charity. To make a tax-deductible donation to keep this positive youth programming broadcasting weekly to international audiences. Dare to care!
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Starstyle, Be the Star You Are, and Miracle Moments are registered trademarks of Cynthia Brian
It happens to us all. We make mistakes. Even when we feel we’ve made the best decision based on the information we have at the time. Sometimes failure comes with little to no negative consequences and other times, it comes with a much higher price. In many situations, we stop ourselves short because of the fear of failure. We thwart our ability to proceed based on the crippling regrets of past failures.
Fortunately, a recent concept known as intelligent failure has shed some much needed light on the notion that one can learn, maximize, and even accelerate through the act of trial and error. Note the emphasis on the term, error. If we are able to emphasize the idea that innovation can be made possible by accepting a certain risk of failure that is inherent in new ideas and approaches, we can grow our risk tolerance and comfort with failure in healthy ways.
The reality is that no matter how hard we try to avoid failure, it will happen. Intelligent failure is the intentional practice of reacting to these situations more productively and less defensively. This is a skill that anyone can learn. It is the hope anyone fearful of decision-making welcomes.
So how does one learn the skill of intelligent failure? Well, Commander Chris Hadfield sets a pretty amazing example. I’ve blogged about it back in August when I was speaking at a conference where Chris was the keynote. His message was about hope and how planning for failure builds greater confidence and successful outcomes.
Often people are afraid to talk about their failures. Perhaps is is the fear of ridicule or simply dredging up the painful memories. When we talk about failure, we help others gain a different perspective and learn to avoid making the same mistakes.
Like squeezing the juice from a lemon to make lemonade, when we fail intelligently, we look at the experience for the opportunity to extract as many lessons as we can as part of our journey to success. Failure can teach us a lot.
On this week’s episode of Your Authentic Life, I interview Heather Clarke, an executive coach who will share tips about intelligent failure. Tune in to VoiceAmerica’s Empowerment Channel, Wednesday at 2:00pm ET or 11am PT, to hear this interview live.
The biggest tip I can share with you is to push through feelings about failure. It is human nature to be staunchly averse to feeling the embarrassment or shame that is linked to talking about mistakes. It can pull down your self esteem if there isn’t a trusting environment to explore the learning that comes from these experiences. When you don’t talk about it or deal with it early, there can be a tendency to pretend it didn’t happen or that you didn’t have a part in it. No one has the ability to learn or draft a new course for success as quickly or successfully as could have been possible. As Robert F. Kennedy said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.”
I’m excited about this episode to liberate the stigma related to failure and hope you’ll give us a listen on Wednesday. Remember, it isn’t about celebrating failure, but rather staying curious and open to learning about what it can teach you when it occurs.
Unconditional self-respect is one of the keys to declaring your independence from stress and discovering a life of generous, effortless, gracious flow filled with faith, hope, prosperity, peace, and joy. Such respect begins with mindfulnessâcaring enough about myself and my experience to pay attention to what is happening and what I am feeling. If I donât recognize when Iâm feeling stressed, I canât do anything to change it.
Respect is also about not beating myself up for past choicesâthings I thought, said, did, or didnât do. Itâs about knowing that I am doing the best I can with the love and light I have access to at the time. Every experience is an opportunity. As I am able to recognize and transform more of my fear-based limiting beliefs into love-based empowering truths, I gain access to greater wisdom, clarity, and confidence, moving myself further along my personal Journey to Wholeness. By learning to demonstrate unconditional respect for myself in every moment, I become more able to demonstrate it for others as well.
Respect is also about boundaries, being clear where mine end and yours begin. Many of us find it hard to set clear and healthy limits on what we will and wonât allow others to do to us. Even more of us have difficulty not violating othersâ boundaries.
Consider this example from my own life. On Monday night, my spouse comes home from work miserable about how his boss is treating him. It pains me to see my husband so unhappy. I listen patiently and sympathetically to sixty minutes of complaining. I tell him exactly what he needs to do. He doesnât do it. Tuesday night, he comes home singing the second verse of the boss abuse song. I listen less patiently and repeat, with additional rationale, what I told him to do the night before. He shuts down and retreats to his den to watch football. Wednesday night, same song, third verse. This time I donât listen at all, blow a gasket, and tell him to stop being a wimp. He demonstrates just how much of a wimp he isnât by getting royally annoyed with me and storming off to the den. I demonstrate just how much of a wimp I am not by following him into the den and repeating my suggestion with even greater volume and specificity, including what he can do with the horse he rode in on. The good newsâmy husbandâs boss is now completely off the hook because we are now so angry at each other that what his boss is doing to him pales in comparison.
Some of you are taking my side: Sheâs a professional management consultant and life coach with more than thirty yearsâ experience. What moron wouldnât immediately implement anything she suggests? Others are taking my husbandâs side: Sheâs a pushy overbearing know-it-all whoâs taken three months to write the final three chapters of her book. Why doesnât she stop sapping his self-confidence and mind her own business? To both sides I say, âBlah, blah, blah.â
The root of the problem is not whether my suggestions were wise. The issue is the nature of the core energy underneath me providing suggestions in the first place. Input stemming from a supposed âdesire to helpâ becomes interference when it is fueled by fear in the form of anxiety, self-doubt, avoidance, or arrogance. Anxiety is when I canât stand whatever pain I am choosing to feel over the choices he is making, and in order to stop my pain, I need to get him to choose a different path. Self-doubt is when I fear that if he isnât making the same choices for his life that Iâm making for mine, maybe Iâm wrong. Avoidance is when there are aspects of myself Iâm not yet willing to address, so I distract myself by focusing my need for personal growth on him instead. Arrogance is when I dare to presume that I can run his life better than he can, despite the fact that Iâve not walked even one mile in his shoes. The common denominator in each case is that fear, not love, is the core energy fueling my suggestions.
Â© Copyright 2013 DJW Life Coach LLC. All rights reserved.
About the Author
What’s love got to do with minimizing stress and getting unstuck? Everything, according to empowerment coach and inspirational speaker Deborah Jane Wells, author of Choose Your Energy: Change Your Life! During her 30 years as an organization transformation consultant, Deborah served as a senior partner in four of the world’s largest, most prestigious global professional services firms. In 2005, she took a five-year sabbatical to find healing and peace because non-stop work had taken its toll. Her recovery from burnout, including a sustained 80-pound weight loss and freedom from 10 years of debilitating depression, led to finding her purpose guiding others on their journeys. Through healing and self-exploration, she discovered that loving yourself unconditionally is the key to transforming your personal life, your work, and the world. Deborahâs books, blog, radio show, and signature coaching programs help individuals and organizations harness that same transformative power of love to turn unexplored possibilities into fulfilling realities and step into their greatness. Learn more at the Deborah Jane Wells Website.
Ari L uses her imagination to create what she wants. When Ari L wanted to find true love she used her imagination and acted âas ifâ. When Ari L wanted to buy her dream home and didnât have the money to buy it, she used her imagination and acted âas ifâ. When Ari was a teenager and she wanted front row concert tickets she acted âas ifâ. Ari L successfully manifests what she wants. Ari L has become the Act âAs Ifâ and Change Your Life Master. This compelling concept can be applied in all areas of your life to obtain and improve your prosperity, health and relationships! When you turn away from what you donât want and put your focus on what you do want by using your imagination, magical things happen! Tune into Wealthy Thoughts at 2PM CST, 3PM EST, 12PM PST, and 1PM MST and listen as Ari L tells Richard Levy that by acting as if you can absolutely change your life.
Do you catch yourself thinking negatively sometimes? Do you carry around a lot of suppressed anger or envy towards others? If so, these thoughts could be holding you back from success without you even realizing it! âWealthy Thoughtsâ with Richard Levy will empower you to live a more positive and prosperous life. Richard believes that there are certain thoughts and actions that attract wealth, while others repel it. During this show, Richard provides CLEAR and SIMPLE direction for anyone seeking a positive lifestyle change.Â Our Topics includeÂ releasing negativity, anger and abusive relationships, improving health, overcoming debt, following your lifeâs passion, attracting your dream job and/or soul mate, eliminating fears, the power of affirmations, and more. Listen for Wealthy Thoughts, every Monday at Noon Pacific Time on the Voiceamerica Empowerment Channel.