More About Fear
You will always have fear, but fear doesnât always have to have you!
I canât begin to tell you how much I am enjoying my show, THE POWER TO BE, on the Empowerment Channel each Thursday at 2:pm EST. Not long ago I did a show on Fear and the response was overwhelming. I wanted to offer you some more insights to understanding and learning to controlling your fear.
So, a question! Do you ever struggle with fear? If you are human, you do. Fear is the second most powerful enemy we face it life. It can:
â¢ fill you with fright
â¢ emotionally overwhelm you
â¢ attack you from several fronts at the same time
â¢ rekindle old fears you thought you have worked through
Here is what you have to understand â fear is an emotion that when it takes control of your life, it will paralyze you. Your mind knows no fear! Your mind knows adventure, dreaming, the freedom to soar to the highest aspects of living. Yet, when fear is stronger than desire, you will filter everything through the emotion of fear.
In my working with human behavior I have become aware that from the day a person is born until the day they day, they will wrestle consistently with 6 Fears. Now, the interesting thing is there is not a particular order. These 6 fears âjust areâ and arrange their place in your life depending on where you are in the situation you are facing. Also, at any given time one of these 6 Fears is the #1 challenge you are facing. When you can understand what the fear is and control it presence in your life, the other five diminish in their emotional ability to control you. If you donât know your #1 fear, the other five will overwhelm you.
There are a few things I want you to remember:
1. Fear is an emotion your mind doesnât understand.
2. You can control fear or fear can control you.
3. You can learn to control your fear.
First, Fear Is An Emotion!
This is critical for you to understand. Fear is an emotion that, when given control, can block your emotional path way to your brain. People look at me like I am crazy when I say, âYour mind knows no fear!â
Your mind is about resolving issues. When you are living from your âMind-down,â you can control what is happening in your life, BUT (and it is a big BUT) when you are living from Â your âEmotions-up,) your emotions will block your mindâs ability to handle what you are feeling, which makes it feel like your mind is engaged in the fear. Reality is, what you mind does when the emotion of fear is in control, is to work with you to calm the fear and show you the value in facing what you are feeling.
I met Bill at the conclusion of a presentation I was doing in Kansas City. I was on my way out of the room when I noticed him standing my the door. As I got closer, he stepped toward me and said, âWhat you said today about fear made sense, but I donât think it is as easy as you make it sound to overcome fear. I have lived with fear my entire life and even with the help I have had, it still has control and overwhelms my life.â
âWhat have you done to learn to control your fear?â
âI havenât been working on controlling it. I have been trying to get rid of it!â
âBill, thatâs your first mistake. Fear is an emotion. It is one of those anchor emotions that is and will always be a part of your life. You canât get rid of fear! You have to learn to control it.â
âI hear what you are saying, but if I donât get rid of it, it will always be there and can always come back.â
âAbsolutely! The reason is, it is a part of your DNA. Fear will always be present, but it doesnât always have to be something bad. When you learn to control your fear, you can take something we have always felt was a negative and turn it into a positive!â
I paused for a moment to allow him to catch up with me. I could tell by the look on his face, this was something new for him to hear.
âBill, fear is an emotion that either controls you or you control it. From what I am hearing, your fear has always controlled you. Am I right?â
There was a long silence combined with a puzzled look on his face. âYep, you hit the nail on the head. I have and do live in fear, because I am fearful of facing it.â
He paused, looked down and then continued. âIf I am hearing your right, I can take this emotion, this fear, and learn to control it, and in doing so learn to control the fear.â
âYou got it! The first thing you have to understand is fear is an emotion that is and will always be present in your life.â
Do you get what Iâm talking about here? Fear is an emotion! If it stands alone the feelings it brings can overwhelm you and shut down your mindâs ability to show you the positive side of fear. If you understand, fear is an emotion, and if you donât let the feelings fear travels with (like doubt, worry, uncertainty) you can open allow you mind to show you the value to the fear you are feeling.
Everything that comes to your life enters your life through one of two doorways into your personhood â your emotions or your mind. The entrance point creates the pathway the fear takes in your life. When you are living from your emotions up, you are giving the feelings that go with the situation the right to define what it means to your life. Since all emotions travel in threes, you are never dealing with just what you are feeling at that moment. Those feelings will reach out, grab other feelings and together form your definition of the event.
What do you think happens to you when fear attaches itself to doubt, worry and uncertainty? You are paralyzed and the creative pathway to allowing your mind to help you define how to resolve the event is shut down. That leave you with only your emotions to take control. Now, you are not in an emotionally healthy state.
When you are living from your Mind âdown, you donât see things the same as when you are living from your Emotions Up! When you mind is guiding the process, it is only looking for one thing â how to resolve and continue to move forward.
Is this an Aha moment for you? Can you see why many never get beyond their fear? It gets trapped in their emotional mixing bowl and just continues to spin and spin and spin. With each revolution it gathers a stronger emotional presence in your life. The fear can get so big, you canât see through it, and the pathway to help, your mind, is completely shut out.
Fear is an emotion that either controls you or you control it! This you must understand and accept.
Second, Learning Your 6 Fears
Ok, from the day you are born until the day you die you will consistently wrestle with 6 Fears. Now, are there more fears than these six? YES, but in my years of working with human behavior, I have found these to be the top fears that shut the pathway to your mind down. These are the 6 that cause you to shut your eyes, react to what you are feelings and give them control of your life.
What Are These 6 Fears? In the following Chapters we are going to expose and examine these 6 Fears. Now, here is what you must understand. You have all 6 Fears! One of these 6 is your #1 Fear! When you find your #1 Fear and learn to control it, the other 5 will diminish. If you never confront your #1 Fear, the other 5 will nibble at your spirit and over a period of time destroy your desire to improve and leave you and emotional slave to Fear.
Ok, you ready? Letâs examine your 6 Fears and see what they are doing to your life!
THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
If I do what I know I should do, it might take me out of my safe zone and put me somewhere I canât control.
Most people want to feel two things in their life â stable and safe. This is why they create routines for their life. It makes things predictable and in that they feel safe, and with that comes the feeling of stability. Hey, they look at their life, donât like what they see, but what they are seeing is more acceptable than steeping out of their secure zone and reach into a world filled with the unknown.
This routine is about sameness; it is about getting up and staying in familiar territory. For most this is how they define stability.
This is what makes the Fear of the Unknown so frightening. It means you have to leave your comfort zone, your safe ground. The challenge here is most donât have the self-trust to step into the unknown. Without a strong foundation of self-trust, taking a risk is too big a gamble.
This is the person who lives with good intentions, writes goals they never achieve, have conversations about what they want their life to look like in 5 years. The truth is, they are all words! They would rather miss what their life could be, than step outside their secure prison.
Interesting, as I was writing this I got an email from Matthew. I have known Matt for almost 10 years. I met him at a program I was doing, have done mentoring with him and had him at my summer StarMaker Conference. When I first met him, it didnât take long to figure out, âMatt was a person who lived in a little world, but talked about having a big space.â Watching his behavior (if you know me, you know my three little words that form my #1 human philosophy â Behavior Never Lies!), sent a clear message â Matt was all chatter and no forward action.â
Have you ever known a Matt?
His emails said, âI am setting here working on my goals for 2013, and as I was writing them, I realized something. These were the same goals I wrote for 2012 and 2011. I couldnât believe I was simply rehashing what I had already talked about wanting to do with my life. What is wrong with me?â
Knowing Matt, I understood his struggle â Matt wanted something new while staying the same. His great fear is stepping out of his self destructive world into a world he canât predict. He is trapped in his Circle of Sameness by his Fear of the Unknown! Can you relate to this?
THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
If I do what I feel I should do, I might be left alone. I canât be by myself.
How many people do you know who have stayed in an unhealthy relationship for the fear of not having anyone in their life. Sure they are no happy or feel loved or feel the relationship adds to their life, BUT they have someone there in their life. They exist in a pretend world and donât deal with the reality the other person is just filling space, not a place in their life. The Fear of Being All Alone makes this an acceptable existence.
I wish you could have been in my office the day Mary came to see me. This was her third counseling visit, and she looked the same as on her last visit. Her eye was black; you could see the finger prints on her face where she had been slapped. Mary lived with a very abusive male. She walked in with her head down, and I knew she didnât want me to see her face. When she looked up at me, she just started crying.
THE FEAR OF FAILURE
If I express what I am feeling, it could expose the fact I donât know what I am doing. I donât want to look like a failure.
For most, FAILURE has become one of those nasty words. It is like a permanent scar that never goes away. The challenge is that is the way âfailureâ has been taught. How many times has the statement been made âYou donât want to fail!â Or the statement, âJust fake it to you make it.â The idea of failing is a concept many canât handle.
When they are confronted with the possibility of failing, they will either run away, find a reason why they shouldnât be doing what they are doing or stop and start something else. They donât understand that âfailureâ is simply a bridge that connects âsuccessâ and âdefeat.â Failure is an option that didnât work. It was a knockdown that you werenât prepared for. That doesnât make it a negative. In fact when you get back up, that is success! You fear failure because of your emotional programing.
THE FEAR OF REJECTION
If I do what I feel I should do, people may not like me. I need to be liked.
There is a strong need inside each of us to feel liked, feel loved. When that need is not being fed, there is fear. You start wondering, âWhat is wrong with me?â or âI must not be a loveable person!â or âI must be a bad person.â
All of these emotional feeling are there because we donât have a strong foundation of self-worth. Over the years I have found any person who doesnât have a strong foundation of self-worth is a candidate for feeling rejected. This fear causes them to give up their individuality and become a puppet others can play with. In that they feel accepted, and as dangerous as that is, it is made ok.
THE FEAR OF LOSS
If I do what I feel I should do, it might cost me more than I am willing to pay.
With every thing you want to do with your life, there is price tag. You will only go as far in life as the price tag is acceptable. When the price tag is viewed as too big a cost, you will shut down and walk away. That price tag can be mental, emotional, spiritual, financial or physical. Whatever it is â if the price tag is seen as too big, you will walk away.
THE FEAR OF SUCCESS
If I do what I feel I should do, I might get results I am not sure what to do with.
If might sound strange to talk about success being a fear, but it is! Have you ever known someone who got real close to what they said they wanted and implemented behaviors that sabotaged the situation? Â Thatâs the Fear of Success!
Have you ever know someone who tasted success and then, didnât do the things to keep it going? It wasnât they didnât know what to do; they were just fearful of what might happen if the success continued to grow. Thatâs the Fear of Success!
The Process For Controlling Your Fear
Have you ever watched a talented woman put her life on hold because of the fear she felt about what would happen to her relationship IF she really became successful? It wasnât that she didnât want the success; she just saw the cost of the success being too great. That is the Fear of Success!
Do any of these 6 Fears sound familiar to you? If you really looked at them, would any of them be a fear you struggle with? As I said earlier, from the day you are born to the day you die, you will struggle with these 6 Fears.
Now hear me say this â there is nothing wrong with fear as long as you own it and it doesnât own you! Fear is, and thatâs a fact. So, what do you need to do to control your fear? Here are 4 Keys To Controlling Your Fear.
Key #1: Face The Fact The Fear Exist
That is the starting point. For anything in life to improve it has to begin with âface what is.â This is where you admit the challenge you are facing. This is more than just admitting you have fear; it is understanding the fact the fear exist and has an emotional grip on your life. Denial doesnât diminish the fear; in fact it strengthens its grip on your life.
So, start with Facing The Fact The Fear Exist!
Step #2: Examine and Learn Where The Fear Comes From
All the fear you face today comes from your yesterday. There is no fear in today! Why? Because today is just now being created. Your fear comes from a situation in your yesterday that opened the emotion, strengthened it with behavior and was never faced, SO it grew in its emotional size.
Fear is an emotion we attached to situations! The situation may not be the same one that originally created the fear, but something about the situation triggers an emotional surge back to that event. Then, all the emotions that were present then, race forward and connect to the new situation.
Step #3: Address The Situation That Originally Created The Fear
When the emotion of fear takes control, it redefines the landscape. You rewrite the event based on your fear, not necessarily the facts. When this happens, you understanding of the event now has a different hold on your life. You have to go back to the situation, calm yourself down and revisit what happened.
Step #4: Rewrite The Script From A Lesson Viewpoint
This is the turning point! This is where the fear can be repositioned as a positive part of your life. Within every situation your life has been through or been handed, there is a lesson that can turn it from a negative emotionally draining situation to a positive life altering experience where you are better because you have been through it. Anything that brings a lesson to your life becomes a positive part of your journey. When you rewrite the script you repave the emotional highway with insights you can implement into having a better life.
FEAR IS A NATURAL PART OF LIFE, BUT IT DOESNâT HAVE TO BE A NEGATIVE THAT HOLDS YOU A HOSTAGE IN YOUR OWN SKIN!