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Life Is A Date

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Empowerment
Life Is A Date

Life Is A Date

an excerpt from How to Have A Match Made in Heaven

by Ariel & Shya Kane

If you’re dating or contemplating dating again, you may be reading this with the desire to glean tips that will help you with that process. If you’ve been married for years, you may be skimming through this to get on to the information that applies to you. You may erroneously think that you’re “beyond the dating stage” and may be rushing forward to find the marriage parts. But dating itself is a key building block for any relationship or marriage. In fact, when a couple gets into trouble, they have often forgotten to woo each other. They have forgotten how to date. It’s easy to forget when there are bills to be paid and children to be fed or when you’re busy trying to make your relationship “go somewhere.”

The two of us are on a succession of dates. They have already lasted 30 years and we expect a lifetime of them. Sometimes we stop what we’re doing when one or the other of us will say, “Want to take a date with me out to the mailbox?” Then we slip on our shoes and go out our front door. The screen door makes a creaking salute, and we often hold hands as we head out into our driveway, our feet crunching on the gravel. It’s a time to feel the air and smell the greenery and see the sun slanting through the trees. Or perhaps it’s a time to slide over the snow and watch the bare branches clatter in the wind. But it’s always a time just for us. Getting the mail is an excuse to be together.

Of course we don’t actually need an excuse since we live and work together, but we make one anyway. We have dates while doing the dishes and others while making a trip to the grocery store. We have a library date when we go together to pick out books on CD to listen to during the hour-long ride to New York City where we work. And occasionally over the years, we’ve even had a date in the emergency room as one or the other of us needed medical attention. It’s all an intimate adventure if you’re there for it.

Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, radio show hosts and business consultants Ariel and Shya Kane have acted as guides, leading people through the swamp of the mind into the clarity and brilliance of the moment. Find out more about the Kanes, their seminars in NYC, in the UKGermany and Costa Rica, the Say YES to Your Life! Meetups their work has inspired, their Being Here radio show or join their email newsletter. Also get information about their award-winning books.  Their newest book, Practical Enlightenment, is now available on Amazon.com.

Anybody’s Dog By Ariel & Shya Kane

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7th Wave
Anybody’s Dog By Ariel & Shya Kane

Anybody’s Dog – By Shya Kane
An excerpt from How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage

As my wife Ariel and I boarded a small airplane in Ft. Lauderdale bound for Eleuthera in the Bahamas, I noticed the other passengers who would be flying with us. Some seemed to be Bahamians returning from shopping trips, while others were retirees. There was a family with two small children and I enjoyed watching their young boy animate his Spiderman action figure, jumping it from his sister’s shoulder, flying it from seat to seat. I also noticed a man in his mid–30s talking loudly to his wife. Dressed in casual attire, they were obviously going on vacation. Since there was only one seat on each side of the aisle, Ariel and I sat across from each other and this couple sat in front of us.

The plane prepared for take–off and I watched Ariel gaze out her window, fascinated by the view from her little portal into the world. As I turned to look out of my window, I saw that the man who had been so loud was now fidgeting in his seat while his wife did a crossword puzzle. As we sat on the tarmac before take–off, I heard him say, “Joan, this flight is going to be just like our honeymoon. Look at this plane—it’s so small.”

Immediately that got her attention. She anxiously said, “Do you really think so, Ted?”

“Oh yes, the ride will be exactly the same—just as rough, maybe even rougher.”

She put down her pencil and grabbed his hand. I could only imagine what the airplane ride was like after they got married but this one was actually smooth and calm all the way to the island. Later, as we waited to clear customs, we chatted with them and learned that they were Joan and Ted Johnson from Seattle and that they planned to scuba dive during their vacation. Diving, he said, was a passion of his but we got the impression that he was more comfortable with the sport than she was.

A few days later, we were sitting in a restaurant at twilight. As we were watching the sun slide into the Caribbean, the Johnsons came into the restaurant and they stopped by our table to chat. Ted regaled us with tales of swimming and coming across 6–foot–long barracudas (fish with notably large teeth) and how one of them “postured aggressively.” Expansively, he told us of the dangers and how he had threaded his way through the treacherous waters. It was very interesting to watch Joan in the background during his account. All the while she seemed to grow smaller and shrink into herself.

As they left our table, I suddenly remembered Laddy, a little black mutt I had when I was 14. When my neighbor, Willie White, gave me the dog, I immediately had fantasies that Laddy would be like Rin Tin Tin or Lassie, that he would be my faithful companion, following me, loving me—only me. The problem was that Laddy had an inquisitive nose, an adventurous spirit and he liked people, lots of people. Laddy wasn’t just my dog, he was anybody’s dog. He would happily lick anyone’s face, not only mine. This bothered me in my boyish insecurity until I discovered a trick: Close to home, my dog was secure in his environment and gregarious, but when I took him to new places where he felt less secure, he would stay close by my side and look to me for comfort. When Laddy was attentive only to me, I felt needed, important and loved. But when his attention wandered I felt deflated, smaller somehow.

It was clear to me that Ted undermined Joan’s sense of herself. He wanted all of her attention fixed on him and routinely played on her insecurities as a device to achieve this end.

That evening in the Bahamas, as the last red glow disappeared on the horizon, I looked at Ariel and felt happy to enjoy true love. Our relationship is not built on her loving me…only me. She loves and lives with a sense of wonder and expansiveness and I feel grateful that she chooses to share the adventure of her life with me.

Undermining her sense of well–being so that she “needs” me is a child’s game. Love is not something that is fostered by playing on your partner’s insecurities or pulling on him or her for attention. That type of “love” is about as real and mature as an adult playing with a Spiderman action figure and believing that it actually flies.

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Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, radio show hosts and business consultants Ariel and Shya Kane have acted as guides, leading people through the swamp of the mind into the clarity and brilliance of the moment. Find out more about the Kanes, their seminars in NYC, in the UK, Germany and Costa Rica, the Say YES to Your Life! Meetups their work has inspired, their Being Here radio show or join their email newsletter. Also get information about their five award-winning books.  Their newest book, Practical Enlightenment, is now available on Amazon.com.

More Here!

Relationships Made EASY! By Ariel & Shya Kane

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7th Wave
Relationships Made EASY! By Ariel & Shya Kane

February 8: Relationships Made EASY! 
It only takes an instant to transform your ability to relate. In this episode of Being Here with award-winning relationship book authors, Ariel & Shya Kane, discover what is at the heart of experiencing magic in all of your relationships, especially the one with yourself.

Listen Live this Wednesday, February 8th at 9am PST / 12pm EST on the VoiceAmerica 7th Wave Channel

After this Wednesday, you can stream or download this episode and over 500 episodes on a wide variety of topics from our archives here

You can also listen to Being Here on the go! Stream or download new and archived episodes to your smart phone or mobile device with these applications:
Podcasts app for iPhone 
Stitcher Podcast app for Any Device
VoiceAmerica app for Apple
VoiceAmerica app for Android

Just Conversatin’ Here by Ariel & Shya Kane

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7th Wave

May 4, 2016: Just Conversatin’ Here

Join Ariel and Shya Kane in this light and fun episode of Being Here as they simply “conversate” and relate in a way that will allow you to discover your own brilliance – right here, right now. Callers welcome at Tel# 1-866-472-5795!

Listen Live this Wednesday, May 4th at 9am PST / 12pm EST on the VoiceAmerica 7th Wave Channel.

After this Wednesday, you can stream or download this episode and over 400 episodes on a wide variety of topics from our archives here.

You can also subscribe to BEING HERE on iTunes!

Sometimes Bright and Shiny Isn’t the Best: A Berry Picker’s Guide to Dating by Ariel & Shya Kane

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7th Wave
Sometimes Bright and Shiny Isn’t the Best: A Berry Picker’s Guide to Dating by Ariel & Shya Kane

matchmadeinheaven

Sometimes Bright and Shiny Isn’t the Best: A Berry Picker’s Guide to Dating
An excerpt from How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage
by Ariel & Shya Kane

I started picking berries for money at the age of 6. My aunt Joyce took me with her to the berry fields to “help out” at her summer job and after a full day of picking strawberries, (many of which made their way into my mouth) I was proud to bring home three shiny dimes for my labors. My mother put them in a place of honor before dinner and I went to bed that night dreaming of all the penny candy I could buy at the little store in town.

All of the local kids I knew picked berries during the summer to make spending money and some to pay for school clothes and supplies in the year ahead. There were many growers around and so we worked the season: First strawberries, then raspberries, a short crop of boysenberries (by far the easiest), marionberries or blackcaps, then blackberries. In fact, picking berries was so common where I grew up that it never occurred to me until after I moved to New York at age 19 that not everyone spent summers in the berry fields.

Each summer, my mom would also make us wonderful deserts featuring local fruit and at the end of the season, one of my favorites was blackberry cobbler. My sisters and I would take large metal bowls and fill them with the wild berries that grew by the roadside or down at the edge of the field on our property and Mom would turn them into something delightful.

Shya and I went to visit my parents for their 60th wedding anniversary this past August, (Congrats to Mom and Dad!) and so we were there during the height of the blackberry season. In order to keep fit, given all of my mother’s excellent meals, Shya and I decided to take a walk on the Springwater Corridor, a 40 mile loop that was created for walking or bike riding following an old trolley right-of-way. This paved walking trail has large cane blackberry bushes that grow in abundance on either side. During our walk I picked a few for Shya and myself and they tasted heavenly. I actually went to bed that night dreaming of taking a large metal bowl and filling it once again for my mom.

A couple days later we again went for a walk and now after additional time in the sun, there were even more of these ripened dark beauties hanging in clusters both high and low. My Aunt Larrita had just brought my folks a whole crate of them so I was relieved of the desire to do any serious picking and could simply focus on finding the ripest, juiciest, yummiest ones to savor – staining our tongues a dark purple.

As I was picking with Shya I realized that his lack of experience had him reaching for those berries that I would never pick. He automatically was drawn to the bright and shiny berries glowing in the sun. They looked perfect. They looked just like the ones you would find in the store: tasty but tart…usually very tart. And so I began to teach him from an old country girl perspective how to spot and pick “black gold.”

First you have to search for those that appear somewhat dull – they were easy to overlook when you had those that were bright and shiny hanging nearby. Then you need to put your thumb and index finger around the one that caught your eye and test for two things: If it was still really firm it wasn’t ripe enough. If the berry resists when you pull, it isn’t ripe enough, either. If you want a berry that will melt in your mouth, tasting of long summer days, warm from the sun, find one that has lost its sheen; a berry that looks almost dusty and lackluster, one that practically falls apart in your hand. And don’t forget to include those tucked away, or hanging down low where people forget to look. They were everywhere. All you needed was to have the eyes to see.

On our last walk, we ate our way down the corridor and fully sated, strolled hand-in-hand as we headed back to the car. It was there, on that sun-kissed stretch that I realized that picking berries is a lot like dating. Often people forget that the commercialized image of the perfect pick has influenced what they are looking for and blinds them to seeing what is really and truly sweet “fruit.” In the magazines, on book covers and in advertisements, the person of your dreams never has a receding hairline or an ounce of extra fat. The picture perfect datable person has perfect teeth, never has bad breath and is a runway model or someone famous. They never get the flu or have challenges at work. They don’t fart and never have salad stuck in their teeth. He or she is never older or younger, of a different ethnic group or religion and they certainly aren’t divorced with kids.

Folks are mesmerized by the bright and shiny people and they miss those around them that are sweeter, fully ripened and ready for picking. They look only at eye level in the picked over branches and time and again those in the dating game reach for only for the sour fruit – for those that are resistant to their advances. But if you look, there are people ripe and ready. They are everywhere. All you need is to have the eyes to see.

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Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, radio show hosts and business consultants Ariel and Shya Kane have acted as guides, leading people through the swamp of the mind into the clarity and brilliance of the moment. Find out more about the Kanes, their seminars in NYC, in the UK, Germany and Costa Rica, the Say YES to Your Life! Meetups their work has inspired, their Being Here radio show or join their email newsletter. Also get information about their four award-winning books.  Their newest book, Practical Enlightenment, is now available on Amazon.com.

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