Kim Giles is a featured speaker at this year’s Uplift Parenting Conference in Utah. Kim will be sharing the importance of parenting without fear and how to step into greater levels of trust and love with our children. Kim is a mother of 7 and has been a family and executive life coach for 15 years. Kim is an author, speaker and has over 9000 articles published on the topic of living fearlessly. She is president of upskillrelationships.com and co host of Relationship Radio on Voice America.
When you truly listen to another, your presence is a gift. Tune in to this powerful episode and hone the skill-set of Being Here for another. It may just transform your own life. Callers welcome at Tel# 1-888-346-9141!
Listen Live this Wednesday, August 23rd at 9am PST / 12pm EST on the VoiceAmerica Empowerment Channel: http://www.transformationmadeeasy.com/being-here-radio-show/
After this Wednesday, you can stream or download this episode and over 500 episodes on a wide variety of topics from our archives here: http://www.transformationmadeeasy.com/being-here-radio-show-archives/
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Anybodyâs Dog – By Shya Kane
An excerpt from How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage
As my wife Ariel and I boarded a small airplane in Ft. Lauderdale bound for Eleuthera in the Bahamas, I noticed the other passengers who would be flying with us. Some seemed to be Bahamians returning from shopping trips, while others were retirees. There was a family with two small children and I enjoyed watching their young boy animate his Spiderman action figure, jumping it from his sisterâs shoulder, flying it from seat to seat. I also noticed a man in his midâ30s talking loudly to his wife. Dressed in casual attire, they were obviously going on vacation. Since there was only one seat on each side of the aisle, Ariel and I sat across from each other and this couple sat in front of us.
The plane prepared for takeâoff and I watched Ariel gaze out her window, fascinated by the view from her little portal into the world. As I turned to look out of my window, I saw that the man who had been so loud was now fidgeting in his seat while his wife did a crossword puzzle. As we sat on the tarmac before takeâoff, I heard him say, âJoan, this flight is going to be just like our honeymoon. Look at this planeâitâs so small.â
Immediately that got her attention. She anxiously said, âDo you really think so, Ted?â
âOh yes, the ride will be exactly the sameâjust as rough, maybe even rougher.â
She put down her pencil and grabbed his hand. I could only imagine what the airplane ride was like after they got married but this one was actually smooth and calm all the way to the island. Later, as we waited to clear customs, we chatted with them and learned that they were Joan and Ted Johnson from Seattle and that they planned to scuba dive during their vacation. Diving, he said, was a passion of his but we got the impression that he was more comfortable with the sport than she was.
A few days later, we were sitting in a restaurant at twilight. As we were watching the sun slide into the Caribbean, the Johnsons came into the restaurant and they stopped by our table to chat. Ted regaled us with tales of swimming and coming across 6âfootâlong barracudas (fish with notably large teeth) and how one of them âpostured aggressively.â Expansively, he told us of the dangers and how he had threaded his way through the treacherous waters. It was very interesting to watch Joan in the background during his account. All the while she seemed to grow smaller and shrink into herself.
As they left our table, I suddenly remembered Laddy, a little black mutt I had when I was 14. When my neighbor, Willie White, gave me the dog, I immediately had fantasies that Laddy would be like Rin Tin Tin or Lassie, that he would be my faithful companion, following me, loving meâonly me. The problem was that Laddy had an inquisitive nose, an adventurous spirit and he liked people, lots of people. Laddy wasnât just my dog, he was anybodyâs dog. He would happily lick anyoneâs face, not only mine. This bothered me in my boyish insecurity until I discovered a trick: Close to home, my dog was secure in his environment and gregarious, but when I took him to new places where he felt less secure, he would stay close by my side and look to me for comfort. When Laddy was attentive only to me, I felt needed, important and loved. But when his attention wandered I felt deflated, smaller somehow.
It was clear to me that Ted undermined Joanâs sense of herself. He wanted all of her attention fixed on him and routinely played on her insecurities as a device to achieve this end.
That evening in the Bahamas, as the last red glow disappeared on the horizon, I looked at Ariel and felt happy to enjoy true love. Our relationship is not built on her loving meâ¦only me. She loves and lives with a sense of wonder and expansiveness and I feel grateful that she chooses to share the adventure of her life with me.
Undermining her sense of wellâbeing so that she âneedsâ me is a childâs game. Love is not something that is fostered by playing on your partnerâs insecurities or pulling on him or her for attention. That type of âloveâ is about as real and mature as an adult playing with a Spiderman action figure and believing that it actually flies.
Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, radio show hosts and business consultants Ariel and Shya Kane have acted as guides, leading people through the swamp of the mind into the clarity and brilliance of the moment. Find out more about the Kanes, their seminars in NYC, in the UK, Germany and Costa Rica, the Say YES to Your Life! Meetups their work has inspired, their Being Here radio show or join their email newsletter. Also get information about their five award-winning books. Their newest book, Practical Enlightenment, is now available on Amazon.com.
Yesterday I realized I spend a good deal of time thinking about how to be a better mentor, and how to help others be better mentors. But I donât invest much time thinking about how to help people become better mentees. So Iâm going to give it a stab. For conceptual clarity my thoughts here apply to any sort of relationship in which youâre being coached, advised, mentored or taught by an individual outside a classroom on an ongoing basis. What a mouthful. Iâll use the word âmentorâ to stand for any of those types of relationships.
To begin, we must recognize that this is similar to asking, âHow can I become a better spouse?â or âHow can I become a better friend?â Itâs individualized. It depends on the unique needs of each person in the relationship. All this is MUCH easier if the two of you are a good natural fit in the first place. When the fit is good, youâll have to make fewer changes to become a better mentee for that person.
First principle: ask your mentor what he or she wants from you in this relationship. This might seem more formal than necessary, but itâll serve you both. Too often, in all sorts of relationships, expectations are not clarified, which leads to problems. If your mentor has important expectations that you canât or donât want to fulfill, best to find out as soon as possible. I have a close friend whoâs a high-powered attorney, dedicated to her career. When she married, she didnât know that her husband expected her to cook dinner for him every night, and to otherwise perform as would a non-working spouse. Tragically, it was a deal breaker for both of them.
Next, you actually have to take your mentorâs advice. As my wife says, âWhy buy a dog and bark yourself?â Sometimes the advice wonât intuitively seem like a good idea. âReally? You want me to do that?â When you have misgivings discuss them. But do it anyway. Do it despite your doubts. A good mentor will occasionally push you out of your comfort zone. If you reject your mentorâs advice too frequently, you should probably look for another mentor.
Next, donât act on advice from every well-meaning person. Suppose you hire a wellness coach. After learning about your goals and challenges, this coach will almost certainly recommend a program for you to follow. As you do this, youâll be bombarded â by well-meaning friends â with diverging and conflicting advice about the elements of your program. If you act on all this advice, you wonât be following a program whose elements have either internal consistency or harmony. You wonât make progress.
Iâve noticed in my career that a particular leaderâs decisions and actions create a certain internal harmony (harmony is different from consistency). As a consequence, there are behaviors or tactics that will work effectively for leader A but not for leader B. Acting on advice from too many different sources can easily destroy that harmony, preventing you from progressing.
This is not to discourage you from seeking different opinions, just as you might for a medical problem. My advice is to discuss with your mentor differing advice youâre receiving before you act. That way your decisions and actions will maintain both internal harmony and consistency.
Finally, express some appreciation. Appreciation from a mentee is among the most meaningful forms of recognition a mentor receives.
Thank for reading. Iâm sure thereâs much more to be said on this topic. As always, I welcome your thoughts.
Oh my goodness. This is a really tough question. Itâs a question about relationships. How do you find a best friend? How do you find a life partner? How do you find a mentor? I wish I had an easy answer, or frankly any answer that would work consistently. A mentor is someone for whom youâre significant, who believes in you, who likes you as a person, who enjoys spending time with you, who enjoys helping you grow, both personally and professionally, who is loyal, and who will extend herself to help you succeed. Many more descriptors can be added to that list. But the topic of this post is not, âWhat is a mentor?â The topic is, âHow the heck do you find one?â
Even though weâre not going to find the answer, itâs important to struggle with the question. So here are my thoughts. First, itâs important to know who you are, what kind of person you think your ideal mentor would be, and what you want to get out of a mentoring relationship. You can readily see that the answers to these questions will be different for every person, and therefore the descriptors of your ideal mentor are unique to you. Itâs much easier to find something if you know what youâre looking for. Answering those questions will give you a start.
Next, I encourage you to think about how you formed relationships with other important people in your life. How did you meet your best friends? Your significant other? What were you doing at the time? What were your initial attractions? Why did you both decide you wanted to spend more time with each other? Answering those questions might well provide some valuable insight.
Next, I encourage you to participate in professional associations where you increase the odds of meeting people who share your professional interests and who might also be willing to share their knowledge, experience and wisdom. Community service groups also provide worthwhile opportunities.
Next, understand that your mentor might not initiate. You might have to ask the person on a first date. If you have (or have had) a significant other, think about how you started the relationship. Whether you hooked up or just had a beer, you probably didnât jump into a discussion about a long-term relationship. You probably just decided whether you wanted to see each other again.
If you meet someone you think might be mentor material, donât immediately discuss a mentoring relationship. Just ask them out. Have a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, a corn dog. Get to know each other. See where it goes. Maybe a mentoring relationship will develop over time. But remember, this really is very much like dating. If you donât ask, youâre done. The possibility will pass you by.
Thanks to Matt Ream for suggesting this topic.
And thanks for reading. As always, Iâm interested in your thoughts.
October 5: An Act of Kindness
True listening, without judgment for another, is one of the simplest and yet rarest gifts in life. Join Ariel and Shya Kane in Being Here and discover how to develop this valuable skill-set.
Listen Live this Wednesday, October 5th at 9am PST / 12pm EST on the VoiceAmerica 7th Wave Channel
After this Wednesday, you can stream or download this episode and over 400 episodes on a wide variety of topics from our archives here
Listen to Being Here on the go! Stream or download new and archived episodes to your smart phone or mobile device with these applications:
– Podcasts app for iPhone
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Weâve got just about three areas of endeavor as adults at which we may feel either successful or unsuccessful: relationship, parenting and work. Two of those areas have something to do with the emotional intelligence. One of the reasons we have trouble with emotions is that we are taught to control themâin effect to push them out of conscious awareness. They then become substrates of our actions, which can only erupt through passive/aggressive or even aggressive behaviors. How then will we ever understand emotional intimacy? Our guest today is here to help us with that. Robert Masters, PhD, bestselling author of Spiritual Bypassing, Emotional Intimacy and Knowing Your Shadow not only helps us understand emotions and how to work with them but also how to relate to others through emotional intimacyâa primary element of successful relatedness. Â Donât miss it.
Don’t miss Authentic Living 11/4/15, 1 pm PT/4 pm ET, a special encore with Robert Masters, PhD discussing emotional intimacy.
Which relationship is the most important relationship in your life? Â Is it with your spouse? Is it with your child or pet? Is it with your family or with God? Â Weâll be exploring a different answer to that question and why that relationship is the most important relationship and how it effects everything else in your life. Â Weâll be starting the show with another segment on Merlin and Arthur and weâll open the call in lines for most of the call to âChannel For You.â Â If you have questions that are bothering you and you want an answer from your Higher Self, Maria Danly will be there to respond to your questions with information directly from your Higher Self. Go toÂ ‘Legendary Leaders: Answering the Higher Calling‘ Radio Show this Tuesday at 1:00 pm PST, 4:00 pm EST.
7/29/15 – You Are Not Behind
Do you ever feel like you are not where you think you ought to be by now? Do you ever feel behind on your âto doâ list or in your career or relationship? Join Ariel and Shya Kane in Being Here and find peace and well being exactly where you are in the perfection of each moment. As this happens you simultaneously discover just how capable you are.
Listen Live this Wednesday, July 29th at 9am PST / 12pm EST on the VoiceAmerica 7th Wave Network.
After this Wednesday, you can stream or download this episode and over 400 episodes on a wide variety of topics from our archives HERE.
You can also subscribe to BEING HERE on iTunes!
Have you ever had one of those âENOUGH!â moments?
You look at your life or your relationship, and itâs not what you desire.
You realize youâve put otherâs needs above your own. You havenât included yourself and your desires in your choices.
And you say, âENOUGH!â
But then what?
What do you do to get out of the cycle of abuse that led to this ENOUGH moment so you can create the life and relationship you truly desire?
My friend and colleague, Nirmada Kaufman (known as The Radical Demand Diva) had one of these ENOUGH moments a couple years ago. She knew that more was possible in her life and especially in relationship. She made the demand for things to change.
And they did! Shortly after her ENOUGH moment she met a man and they created a radically different kind of relationship. They went on to write the book, âLove in the Next 10 Seconds,â that guides others on how to create the relationship they desire.
All of this got created because Nirmada said ENOUGH and then was willing to be a Radical Demand for herself.
When you become a Radical Demand for yourself, you commit to including YOURSELF in all your choices. You donât make other peopleâs needs more important than your own. Yet you also donât disregard otherâs needs.
When you are a Radical Demand for yourself you make choices that are both inclusive and expansive for everyone.
What might you change and create in your own life when you become a Radical Demand for yourself?
And how do you become a Radical Demand?
Join special guest, Nirmada Kaufman, and myself for my upcoming radio show, âBeyond Abuse, Beyond Therapy, Beyond Anything,â on Tuesday, June 23rd @ 10am PST/1pm EST.
Weâll share pragmatic tools and steps you can take to get clear on what it is you want, and how to prioritize yourself in your life, so you create the life and relationship you desire. Live callers will have the chance to receive facilitation from both of us.
Isnât it time you became a Radical Demand for youself?
Click here to find out more: http://drlisacooney.com/my-radio-show/
A special offer from Nirmada for Voice America listeners only: When you purchase a Radical Demand Breakthrough Session, where weâll breakthrough the biggest limitation thatâs holding you back from living your phenomenal life, you will also receive 1 Month FREE of the Radical Demand Monthly Call ($75 value).
Go to RadicalDemand.com/Breakthrough to purchase a Radical Demand Breakthrough Session and send an email of your receipt to Nirmada@RadicalDemand.com to receive 1 Month FREE of the Radical Demand Monthly Call ($75 value). Get more information about the Radical Demand Monthly Call Here.