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Is Your Spouse Less Interested in Sex?

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Women
Is Your Spouse Less Interested in Sex?

This is an article I wrote that KSL refused to publish – it is an answer to the question I have submitted by KSL readers more than any other. I get a few letters a week from people who are frustrated their spouse isn’t more into sex – So, I felt it was important to get it out there anyway.
Is a lack of intimacy hurting your marriage?

Question:

My spouse is having issues with me, because I don’t want to have sex. I’m not interested in sex anymore, but I really think the reason is the negative energy around the whole thing that he created early in our marriage. He has made me feel so pressured and guilty around it, that I have lost all interest. We love each other. We don’t want to separate, but I really don’t want to have sex with him. I force myself to do it every couple months, but then it’s “hurry up and get it done”. I don’t know how to get passed this.

Answer:

The answer is yes, lack of intimacy is probably having a negative effect on your marriage, but the reason you have a lack of interest could be complicated. There are so many psychological and physiological reasons a person might have low libido, we cannot possibly address them all in this article, so, we are only going to address the one you have asked about and the most simple, a spouse who has just lost interest or decided they don’t want intimacy any more.

We see a damaging dynamic in a lot of our coaching client’s relationships, where one spouse is always asking for more intimacy, and pressure to give it has made the other one (with less interest) feel obligated into it. This obligation energy around it, makes the less interested spouse, even less interested, because it feels like intimacy is only about or for the other one. The more interested partner then experiences a lot of rejection, which hurts, and makes them even more needy for validation to feel lovable and wanted, which means they want intimacy even more. If this cycle plays out for months or years, it leaves everyone feeling taken from, unloved and mistreated.

We call this a “fear trigger cycle” and if you want to have a healthy marriage, you must learn how to change this into a “love trigger cycle”. We are going to explain how to do that, but first, you must understand why intimacy is important in a marriage relationship.

Intimacy is the one thing that makes the marriage relationship different from your other relationships. Without intimacy, you are really just friends with your spouse, and if you are only interested in being friends, you should probably get divorced, and let your spouse find someone who wants to be married. Intimacy is the foundation of the special connection and bond between two married partners. It creates a special kind of connection because of the vulnerability involved. If you really do love this person and want them to stay married to you, you probably are going to need to change this and get more interested in being intimate. But, your spouse may also need to make some changes to.

Putting pressure, shame or guilt, or in any way manipulating another person to get them to be intimate with you is wrong. If you are married to a person that tries to psychologically or physically force you into intimacy you don’t want, that is not okay and you might also consider getting out. What you want is two partners that want intimacy with each other, because they both love the other person and want to feel connected to them.

If this is not the dynamic in your relationship, we strongly encourage you to get some professional help. A professional could make changing the dynamic in your marriage easier and faster, or they will help you get some clarity and decide if you need to get out.  (You also want to consult a doctor if you have low libido, because there are lots of medications, psychological or physiological causes you want to rule out.)

We also have an amazing worksheet on our website that would really help – print two copies of the Understanding your Marriage Worksheet and you and your spouse both fill one out. This will help you identify the fear triggers in each of you.

We also recommend that you try the following to change your fear-trigger cycle into a love trigger cycle:

1.    Learn about the core fears (failure and loss) in play in yourself and your partner:

If your spouse fears failure (that he/she isn’t good enough), which is highly likely because most of us do, this will show up as getting offended or feeling insulted easily, having a hard time with feedback, clinginess or neediness, a need for attention, touch and intimacy to validate their worth.
If your spouse fears loss they might be controlling or pushy at times and easily feel mistreated or taken from. They are often be in a lack state and focused on what they don’t have.
The truth is, we all have both fears in play to some degree and you could have both equally too.  See if you can tell which are in play with you and your spouse?

2.    Understand what you each do, which triggers fear in your spouse:

Maybe he feels taken from or loss around not getting a strong marriage with great intimacy. When he tries to solve this by asking for what he wants, he triggers fear of failure in her, because she then feels broken or inadequate, because she doesn’t fulfil his needs. This fear experience around intimacy might make her withdraw from it even more, because we subconsciously pull away from fear inducing situations. Her further withdrawal may trigger even more fear of loss in him, making him even more unhappy and in need of touch and validation, but when he continues to ask for that, it triggers more failure in her, and around and around they go. We find a cycle like this in play in most relationships. See if you can identify yours.

3.    Become the cure to your spouse’s core fear:

You will do this because you love this human being and want them to be happy and feel loved, wanted and good enough. (If you don’t care about whether your spouse feels loved and wanted, then you don’t really love them.) If your spouse fears loss, you can be the cure to that, by giving them reassurance and attention, which makes them feel safe. Show them they are admired, respected, appreciated and wanted daily and this will quiet the fear and make them less needy (this means initiating intimacy).  If they fear failure, they need lots of validation about how wonderful, loving and giving they are. They need to feel and hear they are adored, appreciated, respected and wanted daily too.

If you are the more interested spouse, you must spend as much energy on giving validation and reassurance to your spouse, as you have worrying about what you aren’t getting. If you are less interested spouse, you must flip the fear cycle in your relationship by giving physical attention as a gift freely given from love. We encourage you to be the initiator of intimacy from this point on. Then, you won’t feel obligated, taken from or pressured in to intimacy, you will be choosing to give it. This will also mean your spouse doesn’t experience rejection any more, which removes a lot of fear from the relationship.

We would encourage the more interested spouse, to not ask for intimacy for a while and allow your partner the chance to offer and give it from love. Do this from a place of trust, without any feelings of lack or deprivation. Choose to trust you have everything you need and then generously give, validate and serve your spouse, without any strings attached, as a gift freely given too. This often turns the fear cycle around quick.

Because of the complicated physical and psychological nature of intimacy, we encourage (you both) to see a doctor and engage in some professional help for this issue, along with working on the fear issues involved.

If you think you might have subconscious issues around sexuality because of trauma or learning a shame mindset around sex early on – you may also want to get out Subconscious Sexuality Reprogramming Exercise – it helps change your subconscious feelings about sex from negative to positive.

You can do this.

Nicole Cunningham and Kim Giles are human behavior experts and master coaches who specialize in family and employee dynamics and have many tools to help you change your relationships. They are also the hosts of Relationship Radio on Voice America – Check it out!

Ladies and Gentlemen Start Your Engines – Part 3 By Ariel & Shya Kane

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Ladies and Gentlemen Start Your Engines – Part 3 By Ariel & Shya Kane

Yep, that’s right, this theme was so popular we just had to ‟do it” again…and again! Ever find your sex life going limp? In a light and fun way, Ariel and Shya will discuss bringing fun back into the bedroom…or anywhere else romance happens.

Listen Live this Wednesday, September 13th at 9am PST / 12pm EST on the VoiceAmerica Empowerment Channel: http://www.transformationmadeeasy.com/being-here-radio-show/

After this Wednesday, you can stream or download this episode and over 500 episodes on a wide variety of topics from our archives here: http://www.transformationmadeeasy.com/being-here-radio-show-archives/

You can also listen to Being Here on the go! Stream or download new and archived episodes to your smart phone or mobile device with these applications:

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Sexuality and Imperious

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Sexuality and Imperious

Every week, Express Yourself!™ will bring you a stimulating program based on a chapter from our award winning book Be the Star You Are!® for Teens.

What is sexuality? Most people will immediately assume we are talking about engaging in a sexual act, however, sexuality is not just about sex. From birth until death, every person is a sexual being.

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Host Asya Gonzalez interviews Christian author, Heather Letto, about her Ascension series first book, Impervious. The residents of Impervious survived the War of Annihilation. And though the city is chockfull of pleasures to tantalize and entertain, a beast lurks in its corners. This Beast—a mysterious and terminal illness—has killed off most of Generations One, Two and Three. And as Gen-Four prepares to take the stage a provocative, yet questionable, new method to avoid an untimely death becomes a cultural rage. Sexuality is dealt with subtly and innocently in her novel.  The Gift of Sexuality by Cynthia Brian and Heather Brittany is read by Asya from the best seller, Be the Star You Are!® for Teens and Asya also reads the review of Impervious. Sexuality defines our gender and can be a complex aspect of our personality. It is how we feel about ourselves. Respect yourself!
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Guest Bio: Heather Letto
Heather Letto was born in the hills of Ohio and raised in the ‘burbs of Chicago where she still lives… most of the time! She’s the proud mom of two grown sons and in her free time loves to gypsy her way around this great country with partner-in-crime and super-hubby, Ben. The Ascension Series is her debut into the world of YA dystopia. www.heatherletto.com
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Conversations With Sex Geeks

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Empowerment
Conversations With Sex Geeks

HELLYER-Promo-Empowerment

The Tantric Lounge is back for it’s third season! And this time we’re having a lot of interesting conversations – with Sex Geeks! Your host Jacqueline Hellyer, is definitely a Sex Geek, fascinated by sex in all it’s aspects, from the physical, to the social to the spiritual. Each week in this season she and her co-host, Xavier Waterkeyn will be chatting with interesting people on fascinating topics.

They started last week with the first episode where Jacqueline interviewed her co-host, Xavier about his work as a Brain Coach and how that relates to Sex Coaching. This week they are talking to Cyndi Darnell about The Anatomy of Sex, and in particular Cyndi’s work on producing a comprehensive atlas of human sexual anatomy. The week after they’ll be talking to futurist, Ross Dawson, on the Future of Sex.

So join us each week down on The Tantric Lounge, where we talk Sex, Science and Spirituality!

Make Sex Your Hobby! By Jacqueline Hellyer

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Make Sex Your Hobby! By Jacqueline Hellyer

Flowers in bloom - flower festival Baguio City, PhilippinesWhat is a hobby? According to the dictionary it’s “an activity done regularly in one’s leisure time for pleasure.” That sounds like sex and intimacy to me! We all know that it’s good for couples to have a mutual hobby – cooking, gardening, sport, travel, outdoor recreation, decorating, traveling, study. It gives them something to talk about together, to experiment with and to enjoy together. You’re having sex anyway, so why not give it the same focus and attention that you give any hobby? When you acknowledge that sex and intimacy is or can be your mutual hobby, then you can approach it like any other hobby – enjoyably! There is enjoyment in the thinking about it, the planning, the discussing, the reflecting, the researching, and of course, in the doing. It’s just as if, say, scuba diving were your mutual hobby. In that case you’d do courses together, set aside time to go diving, plan your dive trips, enjoy talking about the diving afterwards.

You’d read books or blogs, listen to podcasts and watch videos about diving. You’d buy diving equipment and browse online diving websites to find out more. You’d have friends who were interested in diving too and you could enjoy talking with them about diving and share diving advice and experiences, you might even go diving together. Now substitute the words ‘have sex’  or ‘be intimate’ for ‘dive’, and it’s pretty much the same. Obviously for most people, although not all, having sex is a private activity, so the ‘going diving with friends’ side of things might not apply – but you can still talk about sex with friends. I always encourage people to talk more freely and positively about sex with their friends, to help break the silence around what people really do and feel about sex, and to get people talking about sex as though it were a normal part of life, rather than some hidden secret.

When sex is your hobby it’s much easier to talk about it. You don’t have to be a complete sex geek like me. For me sex is more than a hobby, it’s a calling. I never get tired of the topic, I find it endlessly fascinating. It can be for you too, when you make it your hobby.

There’s so much to explore and experience… Listen in to The Tantric Lounge Radio Show to find out more…

The TantricLounge

Join renowned sex educator,sex talk radio host, therapist and coach, Jacqueline Hellyer, in the Tantric Lounge and discover the missing link to complete the empowerment of your sexuality The Tantric Lounge is a space where sex is an art and sex is a science. It’s where sex, science and spirituality meet, and everything in between. In the Tantric Lounge you’ll explore the third wave of sexuality: beyond shame, beyond sleaze, heading towards true understanding and liberation. It’s sex for the seeker, for the explorer, for the thinker. Jacqueline presents sex like no one else. She’s fascinating, funny and above all inspiring. Tune in to her wisdom and entertaining conversations with engaging guests from the leading edge of sexuality, as they discuss everything to do with sex, love and intimacy. Discover your sexual potential, become truly empowered and get more out of your sex life than you ever imagined! The Tantric Lounge, Thursdays at 5 PM Pacific on VoiceAmerica Empowerment.

Busting Tantra Myths by Jacqueline Hellyer

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Busting Tantra Myths by Jacqueline Hellyer

T.LoungeThe Tantric Lounge is back for its second season, sponsored by the fabulous folk at Lelo, the world’s leading designer brand for intimate products.  The Tantric Lounge remains a sleaze-free zone, devoted to beauty and meaning in sex, love and intimacy – this is where sex is an art and sex is a science.

But it’s not just about sex, at least, not just about what so many people think Tantric sex is about. So in this episode Jacqueline Hellyer and her co-host Xavier Waterkeyn are doing some Tantric myth-busting!

Is Tantra some weird hippie practice that involves hours of sex and kinky orgies?

Or is it an approach to living, a way of being in the world that encompasses sexuality rather than marginalizing it or trying to ‘transcend’ it?

Find out  at The Tantric Lounge, on Voice America’s Empowerment Channel.

 

 

Living La Vida Tantrica By Jacqueline Hellyer

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Living La Vida Tantrica By Jacqueline Hellyer

couple kissingWe Westerners love to put things in boxes, especially sex  sex is something different from life, something ‘other’. So people tend to think that Tantric Sex is replacing the ‘sex’ box with the ‘Tantric sex’ box.  If Tantra is more about life than just about sex, then what is a Tantric Life? How do you live La Vida Tantrica? In this episode Jacqueline and Xavier look at how you live outside the ‘automaton’ life so many people lead these days and start ‘Tantracizing’ life so that you experience the profound in the everyday. To use one of Xavier’s lovely analogies “What’s the Tantra Dust recipe?” Tune in find out…

Tune in for Jacqueline Hellyer’s new episode “Living La Vida Tantrica.” on The Tantric Lounge every Thursday 5pm Pacific Time on the Voiceamerica Empowerment Channel. You can also listen to her past shows on demand.

Tantric LoungeJoin renowned sex educator, therapist and coach, Jacqueline Hellyer, in the Tantric Lounge and discover the missing link to complete empowerment: your sexuality! The Tantric Lounge is a space where sex is an art and sex is a science. It’s where sex, science and spirituality meet, and everything in between. In the Tantric Lounge you’ll explore the third wave of sexuality: beyond shame, beyond sleaze, heading towards true understanding and liberation. It’s sex for the seeker, for the explorer, for the thinker. Jacqueline presents sex like no one else. She’s fascinating, funny and above all inspiring. Tune in to her wisdom and entertaining conversations with engaging guests from the leading edge of sexuality, as they discuss everything to do with sex, love and intimacy. Discover your sexual potential, become truly empowered and get more out of your sex life than you ever imagined! The Tantric Lounge, Thursdays at 5 PM Pacific on VoiceAmerica Empowerment.

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